Goodbye 2011! Hello 2012!

Two years ago today I decided to make a better me. It took a few months to overcome my biggest obstacle. At this time I didn’t even know it was a problem for me. I couldn’t leave my house and walk around by myself in my own my neighborhood. Past problems and relationships left me with such overwhelming anxiety that the furthest I would walk outside my door was to the car. I walked with Lavender when she was home. We went out almost every day she was home no matter the weather. By spring I was stronger physically and more importantly mentally as I had begun working through some of my emotional baggage. I started venturing out on my own.

Fast forward to this past year, I have continued to work on myself like it was a job. (It really has been my job.) I painted more, I took Zumba classes, I danced in public, I ran a marathon, and I graduated from college. This a far cry from a person afraid to leave her home.

I am going to continue on my journey towards a better me but this year I am going to start a new journey towards better relationships. If there is one thing I learned from running a marathon is that you don’t do it alone.

I feel like I have really great relationships. I have great friends, a fantastic daughter, and a loving supportive spouse. I don’t want to take them for granted. I want them to know that I am grateful for them. I want to know them better. I know from hard work that good gets better and just when you think it is as good as gets if you just work harder it gets even better. I have feeling relationships are the same way.

I am starting with my marriage. It is great. I know that I am loved and in everything I do Lavender supports me. I am in love and enjoy spending time and doing things with her. I never thought I could have this great love. It is because of this that I want to work to make it better, deeper, more meaningful. We have talked about this but we haven’t decided exactly what kind of things we are going to do to be more purposeful in our relationship. Whatever things do I am excited. Those things that I feel work well (and are sharable) I will share with you. If you have done something, that has brought deeper meaning in your relationship than I would love to hear about it.

2011, what I have learned from you is that life just keeps getting better IF you keep working on it! 2012, I can’t wait for you!

When I was a Boy

When I was a boy, I drove tractors and played in the mud. I caught snakes and climbed trees. I burped, belched, and farted whenever I needed to and sometimes just when I wanted to; except of course when my grandmother was present because not even boys do those types of things in front of their grandma.

When I was a boy I drove a go-cart with no brakes. I used my feet for those.

When I was a boy I cherished my bruises and scrapes. I wore them like a badge of honor.

When I was a boy I got my haircut at the barbershop and my jeans from the Tractor Supply Store. To get dressed up, I would wear my darkest blue jeans, nicest cowboy boots, and my cowboy shirt with the shiny buttons. That’s how I knew it was a nice shirt, when it had shiny snap buttons.

When I was a boy I could pee farther and longer than Jimmy Wallace. That’s how I knew I was really cool.

Than in fourth grade my step-mother came along and told me I needed to behave like a lady. I couldn’t belch or fart. I had to get my haircut by a beautician. It was unacceptable to wear clothes from the Tractor Supply Store. I tried to explain to her that those clothes were just made better and didn’t rip and tear as easy but she had none of that.

Gender identiy was so much easier for me when I was 7 and the only thing I needed to be was me. I found this quote about a year ago-
"I want to live in a world where the words male and female are flexible and subjective, even redundant. A world of perpetual transformation, where sexuality and gender become obsolete as people begin to question why they should be the same person, day in, day out. A world where the overriding ethos is to question and explore your sexuality and gender without the restrictions prevalent in 'normal' society. Questioning what is masculine and what is feminine is about redrawing the boundaries (or removing them altogether) surrounding activities that are seen as inherently male or female. I long for a world where the old oppositions of male/female, masculine/feminine, heterosexual/homosexual have dissolved. I want to live in a world where I am free to be whoever I want to be, whenever I want to be, male, female, other or neither." - unknown

I leave you with a link to Dar William’s song “When I Was a Boy.” Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE5YzRr9yPo&feature=related

Post-Marathon Blues

I received my official finishers’ certificate from the marathon about a week ago. That was cool. I ran an 8k Turkey Trot in Chicago on Thanksgiving beating my time last year by 5 minutes. That was cool. My daughter was a volunteer at the Turkey Tot and it was great seeing her 3 ½ miles into the race. I have enjoyed sleeping. I have also enjoyed being able to hear my wife preach on Sundays. Since I don’t have to wake up early I have enjoyed some late nights out and a few extra margarita’s to go with those late nights.

It was hard training for the marathon in the middle of my crazy busy year. There were times when I thought not only was I going to go insane trying to ‘do it all’ but that I was going to make my family insane with me.

Here I am now a month and half later and I miss training for the marathon. I miss the long runs. I miss the time by myself. I miss the runners on the trail. I miss the therapy it gave me. I miss the pain in my body. Yep, I miss the pain. I miss the joy of reaching a new running goal.

When people ask me if I will run another marathon the answer is “YES!” I want to run again next year but I am not sure I can commit to the training this upcoming year but I already have dreams of destination marathons in my future. I can’t wait to do it again. Who would have ever thought I would say that?

Right now I have the post-marathon blues but I know there is another marathon journey around the corner and I hope when it happens my friends and family will not be sick of hearing me talk about running and journey with me again.

Run On!

Introducing the Amazing Susan!

This past weekend my spouse and I accompanied our high school senior on college tour. All I could think about is when she was two and would want to play stage with me. It was my job to say in a loud booming voice, “Introducing the amazing, the talented and the wonderful Susan!” She would then come out on to the ‘stage’ dressed in that way that two year olds think is fashion and entertain me for a few minutes with a dance or a song. I would clap and then she would be ready to do it again in a new outfit and new act.

It’s hard to believe she is now planning for college. She is an amazing and talented person. She was diagnosed with a learning disability in the third grade. She struggled with school and the label. However, she never let that label define or limit her.

In seventh grade she called an emergency IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting when she found out they would not let her take band. Talk about guts. She was ready to take on the whole school. She spoke in a very grown-up way at the meeting and explained that she knew what was best for her. They let her take band and she did great continuing on into high school when she lost interest.

Knowing how hard school was for her in high school I actually encouraged her to take easier classes but she had other plans. Against the advice of her school counselor and teacher of record she decided not to take any more LD classes. The amazing part was not that she decided not to take LD classes but that she decided she would be earning an honors diploma and taking AP classes.

All of the professionals that tested her, retested her, and reviewed her scores and advised her to do the opposite of what she did; she proved wrong.
Walking around the campus of that college and thinking about her being two I just wanted to scream out, “Introducing to the world the amazing the talented, the talented, and the wonderful SUSAN!”

Look out world.

Weighing In

It will be two years in January since I made the choice to lose weight. The actual weight loss journey started the year before that. It started when I decided to be honest with myself.

I avoided scales. I told myself that I was more than a number. I didn’t need a number to define who was or what kind of day I was going to have. (I still believe this.) The honest truth to that statement at the time was that I was not ready to be truthful with myself. I wasn’t ready to admit that my weight was a sign of other things gone wrong in my life. I was not ready to admit that my weight made it difficult to enjoy certain activities. I didn’t want to see the number on the scale because I didn’t want to know the other truths.

Lavender moves in. She is the most honest person I know. (If you don’t believe go ahead and take a picture of yourself next time you want an honest opinion on how you look in that outfit.) With her honesty and her stuff came a bathroom scale. I was honestly surprised when I weighed in at 260. I sat with that information for a year. Then I decided to do something even more honest and I agreed to let Lavender take my measurements. Honestly, it felt good to be honest with myself. However, it was hard.

Over the next few months I got to know my body. I knew that I was going to ‘gain’ five pounds before I started my period. That for some reason the right combination of salt, lime juice, and tequila the night before would show up as seven pounds on the scale but that it was no reason for alarm.

I watched the pounds leave my body. I met my goal weight and then some. It was when I was training for the marathon that I knew I needed to use the scale for a new kind of honesty. I needed to make sure I was feeding my body. Eating enough food to maintain my weight with all of the running I was doing was sometimes scary. I used the scale to keep myself in check.

I think scales are a tricky thing. I think weight is a tricky thing. It is personal. I say if stepping on scale does more harm than good for you, you should stay away. This doesn’t actually go here but I also want to warn people at the harm they do when they call a certain weight fat. I don’t care what the number is for a healthy weight. Where do you feel healthy? That should be the question.

I am not a number on the scale. When I wake up and see a +7 on the scale instead of panic, I try and remember a fun night of margaritas.

One day I hope to be honest enough with myself that I don’t need a scale. Until then I hope I can use it honestly as a tool and not against myself.

Running is Not a Solo Sport

Running is not a solo sport. I discovered this long before the day of the marathon.

There were mornings when Lavender would gently nudge me out of bed telling me that I would feel better if I got up and ran. When I was having a really hard time getting out the door she would offer to run with me or ride her bike beside me.

Friends gave me encouragement by asking me about my training and making positive comments. Relatives and friends came together to donate to Children’s Memorial Hospital the team that I was running for. Every donation that I got gave me extra motivation and energy. In the end, I raised almost $1100 for Children’s Memorial Hospital with everyone’s help.

Fellow runners that I met on the path were other sources of energy. We would say encouraging things to each other as we crossed paths or if we were taking a break and walking we would often share our running stories with one another.
I don’t think I could have trained without all this awesomeness around me.

I know I couldn’t have finished the marathon without ‘my team.’

Lavender and Erin met up with on mile 2. I was feeling strong. I stopped to kiss Lavender and I am pretty sure I had a big goofy grin from excitement. I took off running and they took off on their bicycles to catch up with me later. I saw them again at mile 6. I had even more speed behind me and I was feeling good. I waved at them and ran on. The next time I saw them it was mile 12. I was still feeling fine but slowing down a little.

When I reached the half-way point of 13.1 miles, the sun came out and started beating down on me. My stomach was killing me. The fact that I hadn’t eaten enough was also becoming apparent. Exhaustion was also setting in; I had been awake since 2AM. (It’s hard to sleep the night before a marathon.)

Lavender and Erin were waiting for me at mile 14. This time I stopped and hugged Lavender. She was literally holding me up. I was having huge doubts about finishing. I struggled to make it to mile 16 where Lavender and Erin were once again waiting to encourage me.

Then at mile 17 I was surprised to see my friends Bill and Dianne. They walked with me as I complained about my stomach issues (probably in too many details). They left me at the bathrooms and waited for me where Erin and Lavender was also waiting.

When I met up with them, Lavender walked with me until the 18 mile. Walking with her was just like any other long run where she would ride her bike out to meet me, offering me fresh water and encouragement. After that, I was back in the marathon and ready to finish.

Erin ran with me at mile 20. It was the encouragement that I needed to keep running. Lavender was waiting at mile 21 and they rode off together.

Mile 24 I met up with them again. This time when I saw them I was crying because I knew that I did. I knew that I would finish. I knew that the little girl in gym class that always got picked last for everything was about to finish a marathon.

I was more aware of my surroundings and present in the moment during those last 2.2 miles than at any other time during the race. I talked to spectators and runners. It was the most painful, rewarding, and beautiful 2 miles that I have ever ran.

I saw Dianne and Bill again at mile 26. I know I was smiling goofy because despite the pain I was feeling good. I saw my daughter, Alison, and their friend Ian at mile 26.1 holding up signs.

I cried as I ran over the finish line and they placed the metal on my neck. At that time all I wanted was my team. The people who made sure I crossed the finish line. Running is not a solo sport. I couldn’t have done it without them. I am forever grateful.

I Love Being Physical with My Wife!

This past weekend I ran in the Chicago Blackhawks Mad Dash to Madison 5k with my spouse. Now, I have been training for this marathon for what feels like forever. It was back in June that my ‘short’ runs became 7 miles long and my longs runs actually turned into long runs. This is also when I stopped running with my spouse. I mean let’s face it not to many people are willing to go for a seven mile fun run. So, this break away from marathon training was way more than a break. It was a chance to reconnect and remember why I started running in the first place.

When I first met Lavender I told her that I never and would never run. I really meant it to. I also informed her that I stayed inside during cold, snowy, extremely hot, or extremely cold weather. My list of things that I didn’t or wouldn’t do was amazingly long.

She on the other hand would announce that she was going for a run on a cold snowy afternoon or for a walk in the rain. This fascinated me but didn’t really interest me.

However, when I would decide that the day was nice enough I would go with her. It was great. We would talk and laugh. It was time to be with just each other.

It was the fall of 2009, when she convinced me to go for walk in the rain with her. I never knew that raindrops could be that amazing.

A month or so later she was heading out the door in the freezing cold telling me I should go with her. She had on her light jacket, a pair of gloves, and a hat. I put on 2 pairs of gloves, two shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of socks, a heavy winter coat, a hat, and a scarf. We walked through mounds of snow to the library. It was fun. It was great being outside breathing in the air. It was great being the only two people sharing the side walk.

It was that spring that she would say things like let’s just jog for a little while or would speed off knowing that I would chase after her. Laughing and cursing at the same time.

That summer we played at the beach, hiked the trails, and went bike riding. It was by the end of that summer that I was running! I had also enjoyed and played outside for all four seasons.

That year we spent hours outside being playful, engaging in serious conversations, and just quietly being there for each other as we wrestled through our demons.

These moments were playful, loving, caring, always sweet, and forever with me.I often wonder how it’s going to feel when I am no longer training for a marathon.

Doing this 5k has given me something to look forward to post marathon; a cold snowy winter, to run, walk, and bike with my wife. There is just something amazing about being physical with her. ;-) It has transformed me. I no longer say I will not, never, or I can’t.

Status Update: Fucking Exhausted

I haven’t blogged in a while because I don’t know where to start or even if I have anything to say.

Student teaching is harder than I ever expected. I chose a poor urban school. I wanted the experience and an experience is what I am getting. The school is understaffed and the classrooms are overflowing. Every day I wake up and see the racial injustice we have in this country and how it affects my students and their communities. It is heartbreaking.

If you think that segregation is a thing of the past or that we have equal education in this country, let me introduce you to some wonderful eager willing to learn students and their teachers who are just doing the best they can. It is a disgrace that we as country can’t figure out a way to do better.

I also started working since my last blog. It is a mixed blessing. We could use the money but I am fucking exhausted. It also interferes with my running schedule but I am doing the best I can and I did complete my second 20 mile run. I am limited to running on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Unless, I can figure out a way to not need sleep!

Another bummer is not being able to spend much time with my family. My schedule is very demanding but I am fortunate to have a strong family. It also helps that my daughter is 18 and fully capable of taking care of herself.

On the plus side my new job allows me the freedom to be able to spend 3 out of 5 hours working on lesson plans and school related things. This is truly a wonderful thing.

I feel like right now I am just trying to get through another day. I am putting one foot in front of the other and hoping I am going the right way.

I hope I make it through student teaching without a mental break down.

I hope I make it through the Marathon with only three days of training instead of four.

I hope my daughter does everything on her own to make it through all of her senior year stuff and forgives me later on in life for not being there for much of it.

I hope after all is said and done I get a job at the end of this.

I hope I can help or least be the teacher to the student who helps change the inequalities of our school systems.

I hope one day I can have an entire day to do nothing but be with my spouse!

I am on the list!

Life has been busy. I finished up work on Friday and jumped in the car with my family. We spent the night in Louisville Kentucky, visiting friends. We woke up early and headed to Knoxville Tennessee, where we spent the evening celebrating with friends and family the upcoming union of my brother-in-law and his soon to be wife! The next day my spouse married them in a beautiful mountain ceremony. I was the photographer. We spent time with family on Monday and headed back to Indiana on Tuesday. Wednesday morning I started my student teaching. Besides all this great stuff I also prepared to start a new job, took family pictures for a friend, and held a kick-ass fundraiser that benefited The Children’s Memorial Hospital!

This week would have been easy for me to fall back into the trap that there just isn’t enough time for myself. That feeling that if I take a couple hours out of the day just for me, it would be really selfish. However, Monday morning I woke up and ran 7 miles in beautiful Tennessee. It was great to be just with myself. Wednesday morning I woke up extra early and was greeted by a beautiful sunrise in the middle of my 6 mile run. It was good to take that time to calm myself before entering a classroom of children. I also ran 7 miles Thursday night. I watched the sunset. It was beautiful and quiet. Saturday I ran 20 miles! It is big accomplishment but I couldn’t help thinking while I was running is the big accomplishment this week wasn’t the 40 miles I ran but the hours I claimed for myself.

I put myself on the list and the world didn’t fall apart. In fact everything that I NEEDED to get done was done. I asked for help with the things that I didn’t actually need to do and I let go of something’s. I know it’s hard but I just want to encourage everyone to take a look at their list and move you to the top. You deserve. You need it. I promise it will get easier to do. It is an art you have to practice. I also promise you will be better for it.

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” - Henry Ford

Giving Thanks to a Bathroom!

On my long runs, I leave my house in Portage and run until the trail ends in Chesterton. As anyone that runs will tell you, eventually all of that moving will lead to you having to go to the bathroom in some really bad ways. It happens. It almost always happens to me when the only bathroom that is going to be around for miles is a very scary outhouse along the trail. This thing looks disgusting on the outside. It doesn’t lock and you better bring your own toilet paper or have a spouse that is willing to hop on her bike and bring you some. I am pretty sure that you don’t want me to go into the details of the stains on the wall and floor or the smells. Just know this- for as scary as it looks it smells even worse. Imagine to my delight this morning as I am realizing that I am going to HAVE to use the scary bathroom when in the distance I see that it’s gone and a brand new port-a-potty is in its place. I have never been more grateful for a port-a-potty. When I started my run again my thoughts drifted to all of the things that I have found myself being grateful and thanking the universe for, things that I am not sure I would have ever paused to say thanks for before I started running. Here is a list of a few of my favorites.

1. Semi-clean bathrooms
2. 20 degree weather, when on previous days it had been in the teens
3. 87 degree weather, when on previous days it had been in the high nineties
4. Soft snow or light rain
5. Smiles and encouragement from complete strangers
6. Watching the seasons change
7. Seeing my spouse mid-way through my run holding out fresh water for me
8. A cat that demands I take a break to pet it
9. Watching the sun set or rise

I have always taken the time in my life to be grateful and say thanks but running has given me so many more opportunities to be grateful.

Losing Weight VS. Running

People send me emails, contact me through Facebook, and call me asking me how I started running because they want to lose weight too. First I want to tell you that I always enjoy answering their questions and I am always flattered by the kind words they say to me. It is very encouraging. However, what I want people to know is that I did not start running nor do I continue running to lose weight.

I lost weight by changing what I eat. I eat whole foods, lots of fruit and veggies. I don’t eat much meat, oil, or dairy products. I have not cut any food from my diet and the only way I would encourage someone to give up a food group is if they were doing it for religious, moral, health, or environmental reasons. If I am hungry I eat. I try and sometimes fail especially if it is an all you can eat situation to only eat until I am no longer hungry. I also wish to point out that it took me 18 months to lose 100 pounds. So, while many people are just now noticing my transformation this has been a slow work of progress. I didn’t take diet pills or have any surgery. I did however pay attention to my calories and tried to stay above 1,600 and below 2,000.

I started running after I lost the first 50 pounds. For me running is my time. I get lost in my thoughts. I explore my emotions. I let go of my past. I forgive people. I forgive myself. During a run I push myself to run further and harder, to let go of the shame that haunts me and the fears that paralyze me. Running makes me feel strong, beautiful, and confident. I run because I know when I return from pushing my body’s limit to places I didn’t think were possible, I am ready to push on in other areas of my life. I run because it makes me feel alive. I run because I never thought I could and every time I go out there I am showing myself that I can do all the things I never dreamed possible.

I hope that all of you can find something that empowers you, gives you space, makes you feel confident, and brings out your inner beauty.

Running for Children's Memorial Hospital!

The Children’s Memorial Marathon Team Kick-Off Party was yesterday. It was a chance to “meet your teammates, pick up your uniform and receive a tour of Children's Memorial Hospital!” I was excited to go and it was a beautiful evening. Some of the patients and their families were there. It was good to see them. It was inspiring to hear why some of the other runners are running on the Children’s Memorial Team. I was glad I went. I am also very thankful that I choose to run for the Children’s Memorial Marathon Team.

Most of you can probably already know why I chose to run and raise money for the Children’s Memorial but just in case you missed my spouse is a chaplain there. The work which her colleagues and she does inspire me, tugs at my heart, and often makes me cry. When I first met her I was unclear of what a chaplain actually does. I knew she was a minister and so I figured it was about religion. Me not really being into religion didn’t really ask a whole lot of questions about her job.

It wasn’t until a couple months into dating her that I really began understanding how important a chaplain is to patients and their families. My daughter and I were spending the weekend at her house in Chicago. We had met her at her work and were taking the bus back to her place. She told us that she just had to drop off this memory box to family in the morning and then she had the rest of the weekend to spend with us. Here I am sitting on the train holding my daughters hand staring at the memory box. It hit me hard what was in there. I started crying. She was bringing the last few things these parents would have of their child to them. It had a molded hand print and foot print, a piece of hair gently cut off and wrapped in ribbon, and whatever other items that had remand in the room that night. As I held my daughter closer to me I just couldn’t imagine.

Turns out that she also does the religion stuff prays with families, offers communion, and baptizes babies and children. She also does what important things like watches SpongeBob with a child who is scared and for whatever reason his/her caregiver can’t be there. She supports parents through emotional and draining times. She tells stories, sits quietly in the dark, listens, comforts, and helps children deal with the reality of being sick. She also supports the staff and is there to listen to their problems and the emotional toll it takes on them to take care of really sick children every day. I don’t know how she does her job but as a mother I know how important she must be to all of these children, staff, and family members because if my daughter was in the hospital and I couldn’t be there the person sitting watching SpongeBob and giving her ice chips would be my hero.

My wife supports me and encourages me in everything I do. I am so proud to be raising money that helps and supports her important work.

http://www.heroesforlife.org/site/TR/MarathonTeam/MarathonTeam?px=1490681&pg=personal&fr_id=1260

100 pounds

I lost 100 pounds. I thought when and if I ever got to this point I would have a Biggest Loser moment. In case you have no clue about the show, it is where contestants compete to lose the highest percentage of weight for a cash prize. Every season they always have these moments where a contestant gets up on the scale for their weekly weigh in to discover that they have lost an over all of 100 pounds. The contests sometimes cheers, cries, thanks God, thanks the trainers, jump up down, sings, or any combination of joy that can be expressed.

Anyway that’s the moment I thought I would have but I didn’t. I woke up stepped on the scale and saw that 160 and was like hmm. I felt indifferent about it. It took me a week to even say out loud that I lost 100 pounds. I didn’t care to shout it from the roof tops. It really didn't seem to matter. I was worried about myself. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t excited. Why didn’t I want to celebrate this? My spouse offered this answer, “Maybe it's not the weight but the life that has meaning.” She is right. It is no longer about the weight, it never really was. It is about the life that I am living.

I may have lost a 100 pounds but what I have gained is something that can’t be measured.

Fear and Doubt

This was my first week of ‘official’ marathon training. I am following a seventeen week plan. The first week is 3 six mile runs and 1 ten mile run. I usually do 4 six mile runs so this week shouldn’t have been hard for me. It was amazingly hard.

Monday came around I did my first run. Tuesday came and I couldn’t get myself out the door. Wednesday came and I was sure I had made a mistake in signing up for the marathon. I was positive there was no way I was going to make it. Doubt came over me. Fear started paralyzing me. I was running out of days to run. I just kept thinking that I wasn’t even going to make it through my first week of training.

Lavender, my spouse, started her vacation Wednesday. Thursday morning she woke up and said let’s go for a run. That was the first turning point for me.

Friday I sent out my first set of emails asking for donations to the Children’s Memorial Hospital. I am running the Chicago Marathon on their team because that’s where Lavender works and I wanted to do something to say ‘thank you’ to her for all of her support and belief in me. Anyway, I went out for a run after sending those emails. When I got back my Aunt Linda and Uncle Robert had already responded and donated. That made my day.

All of this leads me to today. I was feeling so much better. I was back to my “I can do this” attitude. Today was my last run for the week, my ten miler. Lavender and I started the run together (we do this a lot). She ran her 3 miles and then came home, hopped on her bike, did some errands and then surprised me by meeting up with me on my seventh mile.

Self-doubt, fear, and anxiety sometimes make it hard to keep going. I think the amazing thing is that we all keep going. I am grateful for the extra push and support this week. I am grateful that even in the midst of fear and doubt I was able to recognize the support and see beyond this week to a bigger, stronger, and more meaningful life.

This is What I Know

This is what I know-

I do not do well with change.

I love routine.

I like schedules and list.

2012 is going to be an amazing year for my family full of accomplishments and celebrations, yet complicated by so many unknowns.

First off, I will graduate! Where will I be able to find a job? Will I be able to find a job? Next my spouse’s job changes location. This means she also loses her place to sleep in the city? How ill she ever get enough sleep? Will we have to buy a second car? Will we be able to afford two apartments for a while? Will I have a job that can help with this?

Our daughter graduates! Where will she go to school? Will we be able to give her money towards her education? How much? Will I have a job that can help with this?

Finally we are moving. How far away will be from our daughter, who will be away at school? How often will I get to see her? How hard will it be to be separated from someone that I have been with for over half my life? Where will we move? Will I have a job that can help with this?

There is nothing we can do right now to find answers. We have to wait. We can’t help my daughter pick a school because we don’t know where we will be living or how much money we will have to help her. We can’t decide where to live because we don’t know where I will be able to find a job.

This is what I know; Monday I start a training plan for the Chicago Marathon. I have a schedule. It is written in my calendar book. I know that I will wake up early Monday morning, run, come home start my coffee, check my email, eat my oatmeal and repeat until October 9th. I know I will drive a lot of people crazy talking about the marathon and my training. I know this marathon is important to me because I can’t focus on all the changes and unknowns. This gives me a schedule. This gives me a routine, at least until the marathon.

I know that I am grateful for the routine of running, the schedule of training, and the support and love of friends and family.

Quinoa!

I love quinoa. Below is my basic recipe for it. I use this as a side dish or stir in some easy add-ins for the main dish. Tonight I added cooked adzuki beans and served it with zucchini, avocado, and baked corn tortillas topped with fresh salsa. Another thing that I love doing with it is adding sautéed mushrooms, red pepper, and a bag of fresh spinach. I hope you will give it a try. Quinoa is a bit expensive when it comes to grains but stores like Whole Foods sells it in bulk. Quinoa is rich in nutrients and it is a complete protein, meaning that it includes all nine essential amino acids.

Ingredients
1- Cup of quinoa
1- Can of tomatoes (I buy the salt free ones) or 3-4 chopped tomatoes
1- Jalapeño pepper, diced
1- Poblano pepper, diced
1- Lime
4- Garlic cloves, diced
Fresh cilantro

Directions
In a medium non-stick pan (so you don’t have to use oil) slightly cook the peppers and garlic over medium heat for about five minutes. Add the quinoa and 2 cups of water bring to a boil, cover, lower the heat and let that cook for about 15 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes and cook all the juice out, about five more minutes, stir in cilantro and juice from one lime. Enjoy!

Lesson #3 That I Have Learned from Running- Keep Running

TW (Trigger Warning)

In a 1999 longitudinal study of 3,000 women, researchers found women who had been victimized before were seven times more likely to be raped again. (Acierno, Resnick, Kilpatrick, Saunders and Best, Jnl. of Anxiety Disorders 13, 6.)

The last time I was a victim of sexual assault was about 5 years ago. I still have a hard time calling it the “R” word because I didn’t scream, I didn’t kick, I didn’t hit, and I didn’t get any bruises. I just pleaded for him to stop.

This man had made me a victim for the last 12 years. I felt powerless over him. He was not directly a part of my life anymore and because I don’t want to reveal his identity, I can’t tell you why he was in my life but just trust me when I say it was not by my choice.

This time I decided it had to stop. I couldn’t go on living in fear of when the next time might happen. I went to the hospital. I told them that I thought I might have been raped. I went through the exam embarrassed and ashamed. I hadn’t shaved my legs. I just got done working so I needed a shower. I was wearing granny panties. I wasn’t sure I should even be there.

The police were nice to me. They reassured me that yes I should be there. Yes, this needs to stop. They were nice until they found out I was gay. The detective investigating the case actually said to me that I wasn’t raped but that I just missed having sex with a man and that afterwards I must have felt guilty so I decided to call it rape.

What followed after that is the worst months of my life. I was able to successfully get a two year restraining order on the guy but the detective thought the man who did this to me was right when he said I was a “lesbian that just needed some good dick” filed a false informing charge against me. I was facing court, fines, and jail time. I was in the lowest place of my life.

The charges were dropped but the emotional scares I have are more like open gapping wounds. Police trigger me; they scare me and do not make me feel safe or protected.

A few months ago I found out that the guy who attacked me moved in just a block away. There is nothing a can do the restraining order has long been expired. My first reaction was that I was never going to be able to leave my apartment by myself. Then I thought about running and how much joy it brings to me. I am not about to let this man take away my joy again. So, the next day after I found out I ran the snow covered dark morning. I was scared but I knew I wasn’t going to be trapped in my house.

Running has made me a stronger person physically and mentally. Now that he lives so close to me our paths have crossed a couple of time. I don’t break down into tears or run out of the grocery store when this happens. I don’t speak to him. I just walk away. I also don’t make any stupid moves. I don’t run without my cell phone. I only run where there are people and street lights. I keep running because it is my therapy. It is what gives me strength and peace. I keep running because neither my attacker or the police or my fears are going to take that away from me. It’s been a long road to get to where I am today and I literally have miles left to go before I am finished.

Body Image and Prom

We had prom. I say we because it was an all day event but actually it was our 17 year old daughter who had prom. She was beautiful in her dress. We went to Chicago the night before to get our nails and toes done. Her hair and make-up was done by my friend Jessica. My friend Dianne took pictures in her studio. It was an event.

I was hoping it would be a fun feel good event for her. After all it’s not every day you get the star treatment.

It wasn’t fun. She was in freak out mode for about three days before prom. The worst moment came when she exclaimed, “I feel fat!”

My spouse tweeted, “Events like prom are utterly vile to me as they cast shame upon the natural beauty of people by making a size 2 girl think she's fat.”

Daughter almost in tears, “A size two is fat! I am a size zero!”

All I could think is WTF!

My size zero daughter is having a melt down because she feels fat. How did this happen? Why did this happen? When did this happen?

There is a study out there (http://sticerd.lse.ac.uk/dps/eopp/eopp17.pdf) that says if we use plus size models women would gain weight. (Keep in mind that a size 8 is considered a plus size model.) The study goes on to say that it is actually healthier for us to look skinny models because it keeps us from over eating. Really?

I can’t understand how it is healthy for a size zero to think she is fat. I can’t understand how it is healthy for a size eight to think she is a plus size. I can’t understand how it is healthy to call clothes a plus size. I can’t understand why we keep putting up with this from the fashion industry? If you want me to buy your clothes then let me see them on beautiful normal size females.

There are great campaigns out there like the Dove Real Beauty, Just My Size, and Cover Girl. They show women of all sizes. It doesn’t make me want to eat. It just makes me want to buy their products.

My daughter is a healthy size, she eats, she dances, and she is beautiful. She should never have to feel fat. She should never have to look at unhealthy images and think that, that is what beauty is. These images of super skinny models don’t keep us healthy instead they cast shame.

As a mother I try to give my daughter good self-esteem. I try to let her know that she is beautiful inside and out. It would be nice if I had a little help from the fashion industry.

Update on Training

I blog about a lot of stuff that seems to have nothing to do with running or the Chicago Marathon but everything is intertwined and connected.

However, I thought I would update you on my progress. The actual marathon training starts in a month and the marathon is now just five months away!

I am averaging six miles four times a week. It takes me about 1 hour and ten minutes. I ran my first and only nine minute mile not very long ago!

I am getting nervous and excited to start the training program. Even though I am nervous, I feel ready and confident.

I have to tell you that for me, I think that first mile I ever ran will always be the hardest and the one I am the proudest of, no matter how many more miles I log.


I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~Pablo Picasso

My Gay Lifestyle

I will never understand how my loving family poses any threats to family values and why so many laws need to be written against it. I don’t understand why so much energy, money, and debates are wasted to decide what to do about my family. I don’t understand why my family’s rights become more important issues in the government and on the news than issues like poverty and child abuse. I don’t understand why some religions view my loving family as sin. I don’t understand why my family matters less than some families.

I want you to understand that my family is real. We fight. We love. We stand next to each other.

I am sharing a letter written by our daughter. She has been picked on and lost friends because she has two moms. Yet, she continues to stand up and believe in her family.

Dear Moms,
First let me began by wishing you both a Happy Mother’s Day. If there is anyone who truly deserves to be honored on this day it is the two of you. You both are the best moms a girl could ask for and sometimes I may not always show my gratitude for you. You both do so much for me. You love me, care for me, and push me to be the best.
Mommy, I love you. I’m so glad that you are my mom. You have taught me so much over the course of my life thus far, and I know you will continue to teach me as the years go on. The most important things I have learned from you are to never give up and to follow my dreams. You are always my biggest fan, my loudest cheerleader, and my toughest coach. I cannot thank you enough for that. I hope you have a splendid Mother’s Day.
Momma Lav, I love you. I’m so happy that my mommy found you. You really complete our family. You are a wonderful mother and just an overall wonderful person. You push me to do better and you force me to think. Thank you for everything you do for me. It never goes unnoticed or unappreciated. I hope you have a wondrous Mother’s Day.
To bring this letter to a close I would like to say this, Moms you are the strongest, most amazing women I know. I’m glad that I had both of you to raise me. You both make me so happy and feel so loved. I hope you both have an amazing Day! I love you both so much.
Love,
SAM

"Run Fatso Run!"

I had a dream last night where I weighed 260 pounds. I was running on the side walk in my town. People driving by were shouting mean things out their window like, “run fatso run!” I woke up in tears because that dream brought me back to my own reality. That was something that happened to me on a regular basis not long ago.

There are lots of reasons why a person may be overweight. It’s easier in the United States to eat unhealthy then in is healthy because it’s often cheaper and faster. Some of us eat as way to deal with stress and our painful past. A few have health problem that make it easier for them to gain weight. My point is that no matter what the reason is shaming a person or publicly humiliating them is wrong.

Since I have lost weight I have noticed that more people are willing to look me in the eyes. Men hold doors for me. I didn’t even know that men still held doors?! If I am at the grocery store only buying a few things people let me go ahead of them. It’s like I am being seen for the very first time and it pisses me off.

We are getting bigger and I am not saying that this is not a health crisis but the way we as a country are trying to fix it is shameful. Take a look at some of the Billboards going up across our nation.



They just give reason and voice to bullies everywhere to make fun of and pick on overweight people. And just so we are clear bullies do not only exist in the classroom. They are family members, co-workers, and strangers on the street.

The only honest answer I have here is that shame is not the path to recovery. That being said I think we need to look at our food that continues to loose nutritional value because of poor soil conditions and the unethical way we treat our animals. I think we need to look at our health care system and make mental health an important issue. I think we need to provide more afterschool programs for our children. Some parents can afford to take their children to softball and soccer practice, but those the children most at risk for being overweight come from families that don’t have the finical means or time.

If you are one of the lucky people that has never had to worry about your weight, good for you! If you don’t have something nice to say then keep your mouth shut.

If you are an overweight person and are running on the paths or show up at the gym you are instantly my hero. You are brave. You are standing up for yourself and making it possible for others. I know I would have never started this journey towards a healthier me without people like you.

An Appropriate Race Hug

According to Runner’s World Magazine I failed to give an appropriate Post-Race Hug. In case you didn’t know the etiquette -

Baseline duration: 3 seconds
If the hugger personally knows the huggee: +2 seconds
If the hugger and the huggee are strangers: -1 second
If both parties are sweaty: +1 second
If the hugger is male and the huggee is female: -1 second
If the hugger is female and the huggee is male: +1 second
If the hugger and the huggee are a couple: +3 to 5 seconds
If the hugger and the huggee are a couple, but their spouses are nearby: -2.5 seconds
By Mark Remy
From the November 2010 issue of Runner's World


My first 5K was in September. I was nervous. I had just started running about a month half ago. For me this 5K was a huge. It symbolized my new commitment to not just my physical health but to me. It was something I did for myself. I had no other reason or purpose to run this race except for me. The feeling of doing something for the first time that I could remember just for me overwhelmed me with excitement and joy. When I saw Lavender waiting for me at the finish line I started crying with all of the emotion of the last 3 miles. When I crossed the finish line I embraced Lavender and cried for an appropriate amount of time, like maybe 5 minutes maybe longer. When I run the marathon in October I am sure the appropriate amount of time will increase for me. Sorry Mark Remy but like with most things in life I just don’t fit into a neat little schedule.

Jeremi

I have shared many memories with Jeremi. I can’t even began to count the number of times he was over for dinner and still here for breakfast the next day. He was just over for dinner a couple of weeks ago. I made Black-Eyed Pea Masala that night and blogged the recipe because he kept talking about how good it tasted. He was part of the small circle of friends and family that was at our wedding. He was a part of my family.

I have not given my daughter many positive male role models. Jeremi is the exception. I hope she takes away from their time together the way she deserves to be treated by a man. He showed a sincere interest in her life, showing up for choir concerts, birthdays, band concerts, soft ball games, and dance performances. He listened to her and did things with her that she enjoyed. Together they logged countless shopping hours. They were both into designers and loved to shop. I am sad that his two year old daughter will never have the opportunity to have him at her events. I know he would have been the kind of father who would have delighted in being involved in everything she loved.

Our friendship was an unlikely one. We didn’t agree on politics or religion. He had an expensive taste for the finer things in life. I can’t understand why anyone would ever spend over $25 for a shirt. The one painful thing we did have in common is that we didn’t feel comfortable in our own body. He struggled with his religion and being gay. Jeremi carried at least one bible with him everywhere he went. He read the bible faith filled and faithfully every day. He was raised to believe that being gay was a sin.

His funeral is on Tuesday at a Baptist Church. His family will all be there and I am sure they will be saying wonderful and true words about a great man, father, son, brother, and uncle. The one thing no one will mention is that he was gay.

Jeremi loved red high heels. He said they made his calves look hot. It is something about him that I bet most people at the church do not know. I will be wearing red heels to honor him. To honor all the great things he was that he never felt like he could share with the rest of his world.

I wish things could have been different for him. I wish being gay was not so painful for him. I wish he could have found comfort in his religion. I hope that if we can learn something from his death it is that we continue on a journey of being ourselves and learning to love ourselves for who we are. I pray that he has been released from the bondage that plagued him in life. I pray that we have the courage to continue breaking our own bondage.

Before and After

There are a lot of before and after’s in my life.
After I had my second divorce
Before I ‘came out’
After I went back to school
Before my daughter was old enough to not need a babysitter
Before I met my wife
After I fell in love with her
Before I could run a mile
After the first time I ran 10 miles.
The list could go on but for your sanity and not wanting you to fall asleep I will stop here.

The one type of ‘before and after’ I can’t get into is weight loss pictures. I know that they provide some with inspiration and I also know some people who carry their ‘before’ pictures with them to keep them motivated but this is not for me. (Please don’t hear me saying that this is wrong. It just isn’t right for me.)

I am trying to learn to respect my body and all that it has done for me. I am trying to live outside of shame. I feel like if I looked at my past pictures as before weight loss that somehow I am not honoring how amazing my body was to me during that time period. My body at 260 pounds was worthy of love, respect, and praise. I was beautiful and I couldn’t see it. Instead I chose to hate my body.

My spouse wrote this on a picture she drew and hung it in our room, it is to her younger self, “Little one, you are wise and strong. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for offering us shelter and healing. Please, let us heal together. We are beautiful.”

Take out the “little one” and change it to 260 pound body and that is what I wish I could go back and tell myself.

Black-Eyed Pea Masala

I was looking for something easy and healthy. I combined several recipes I found on line for Black-Eyed Pea Masala to make this recipe. I took out the oil, added extra garlic, and simplified it. I was very happy how it came out and my family all seemed pleased with it. The only thing that would have made it better would have been fresh ginger and cilantro.
Ingredients

1 can of green chilies
8 garlic cloves, minced
3 teaspoons of ginger
2 1/2 teaspoons curry powder or
2 1/2 teaspoons garam masala
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1 cup of salsa
salt, to taste
1 package of frozen black-eyed peas
2 tablespoons cilantro


Cook black-eyed peas accaroding to package directions adding in the above ingredients. Serve with brown rice.

The Truth

People often ask me what I did to lose weight and I tell them exercise and healthy eating. That is the truth, the easy half of the truth. The more difficult hard truth doesn’t come in a neat little bow and package.

The hard truth is that for every ounce of weight I lost I had to go back and uncover the pain that I buried with food. The pain that was still fresh because I had never dealt with any of it. I would remember things that I had blocked out of my mind. Like when I told my mother that my paternal grandfather was molesting me and she told me at the time a 7 year old, that she wished there was something she could do to help me. She then handed me a whole bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I ate the whole entire bag in about 10 minutes.

The truth is that my childhood was difficult and food was how I coped. I did the best I could. I survived.

My mother did not raise me and I am mostly thankful for that. Her love is conditional and in order to receive it you must not say or do the wrong thing because she will stop talking to you. She will wipe you out of her life. The truth is I don’t want that to happen to me. I don’t see her much but this year for spring break I wanted to see some family I haven’t seen for a while. She invited herself to stay in the same hotel I was staying in. I didn’t say anything I just ate candy bar. I ate the past three days not because I was hungry but because I was stuffing down the pain. I know that I can never have a real relationship with my mother. I know that just to stay a small part of her life I can’t share myself with her. The truth is that it still hurts.

The truth is that I converted back to my old habits. I ate to numb myself to keep the pain down. I could beat myself up over this, over the extra food I consumed but I also know that I did the best I could. I survived.

This morning instead of punishing myself, I treated myself. I went on hike to my favorite place. I sat and meditated at the top of sand dune overlooking Lake Michigan and tried to deal with my feelings. I cried. I laughed. I screamed. I sat silently. I rejoiced in the truth I have survived and that my best is getting better.

The truth is that losing weight and keeping it off is not just about food and exercise.

Celebrate Wa Ching!

Yesterday was Wa Ching Day. If you forgot to celebrate it don’t worry, you’ll have a chance to celebrate this great holiday in a few days. What is this great holiday you ask? Let me explain.
I was in kindergarten classroom on Wednesday helping out with calendar time. The students put one slash for everyday of the month. Wednesday was the 9th, therefore they had nine slashes. They excitedly exclaimed, “Yay! Tomorrow is Wa Ching Day!”
I had to ask what is Wa Ching Day. They seemed so happy about this day. I knew it had to be something they had been looking forward to for months. They looked at me like I had six eyes for not knowing this holiday but excitedly explained to me that Wa Ching day is when the get to put a slash across the other four slashes and say “Wa Ching!”
I want that kind of celebration in my heart.
Think about how great it would be if we could all celebrate and look forward to our own Wa Ching days.
What days of the week can you turn into a celebration?
I have Salad Wednesdays with my daughter, Monday Margarita’s with my wife and Friday Reflections with myself. I never have thought of these times as celebration. They are days that just fit into my schedule such as the 5,10,15,20,25,&30 of the month. I am going to take a lesson from a group of 5 and 6 year olds and celebrate and rejoice in my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I am going to look for reasons to embrace each day as a celebration and a reason to look forward to the next day.
I invite you to go embrace the day, celebrate it, and find your Wa Ching!

I am WOMAN hear me meow I mean roar!

I went into crazy mode last Sunday. You know that place of not having rational thoughts because you are having irrational feelings. Normally I would blame this on hormones. Yep, I admit I have PMS in a very ugly way but this was not the case on Sunday. This was something deeper and bigger. This was about being a female in this world and the way in which we are raised.
You might be thinking that I am still not being rational but I assure you that I have thought this through in my best rational voice.
Here is the back story. I wanted to go running really bad but other things kept popping up. I knew I only had a few hours with the sun but what I wanted to do did not seem important. (Irrational thoughts) After all it was just running. Here is the most damaging thought that I had that day- ‘Other people and their needs are more important than mine.’
Where did I get such a thought? The simple answer I was born female. I knew from an early age by watching my female relatives, friends moms, and TV that even if they worked outside of the house that it was their job to make sure their husbands were happy and feed, the kids were taken care of, the house was clean, and whatever time was left, if there was any time left, that was their time to take care of their needs.
I know we are in a different place but how much have we really changed our insides? Do we put ourselves first? Do we take of our needs before taking care of other people? When we do take care of our needs, do we feel guilty?
I am not talking about the give and take of all relationships. I am not talking about those times when you give up sleep because your child is sick. I am not talking about the times when you have to drop everything because your mother/friend/spouse/neighbor needs you. Things happen.
I am talking about the way we cater to our children and all of their needs and wants. I am talking about how we try to do it all- a clean house, work, dinner, PTO, our children’s schedules, committees, charities, church, and the list continues. The way we put everyone else’s needs (and wants), in front of our own needs. And we try to do it all flawlessly and make it appear easy.
I feel lucky; I am in a family that does not put that on me. However, I still find myself putting it on me. I have worked hard at finding that voice that I was never given. It is the small things that I do like telling my daughter that I haven’t had a chance to sit down all day and that’s what I really need to do, so she is going to need to walk the ½ mile to dance. Sometimes I can enjoy that time and sit down but then sometimes I feel guilty. I start thinking ‘What is the big the big deal? Why didn’t I just take her?’
It is small steps. After having a break down and crying to my wife about how I really wanted to run but these other things seemed more important than my needs, she reminded me that my needs were also important and that I NEEDED to voice them. We went running and I felt better about life and my day.
I am a work in progress and I continue to try and figure out how to put myself in my life! I want things to be different for my daughter. I don’t want her to grow up with same images I did of what a woman ‘has to do for her family.’ I want her to have a voice. I want her to know that her needs are just as important as everyone’s. I hope that if my daughter chooses to have a family, she can look at her children or partner and say, “I don’t really feel like doing that. I am tired and I just want to sit here for a while.” I then hope she sits down guilt free with a beverage of her choice and relaxes.

Small Circle

For me running has been a form of therapy. I start running and let go of my mind. I see myself more clearly. I have had some really good runs that have ended in some really great crys. My walls come down and I allow myself to feel. I allow myself to be open and free my emotions.
Recently I had one of those really good runs that ended in a really great cry. It was on this run that I realized just how depressed I had been during a certain period of my life. This was a time in my life just after my second divorce. I was raising my child, losing my house, working 40+ hours, being sued, trying to go school, starting yet another abusive relationship, broke, sexually violated, and losing a business. Yet, I smiled during this period so much that my cheeks hurt. I acted happy. Sometimes I even thought I was happy. I had no energy left for very many real conversations. I was a fake to myself and to my friends. I lost a lot of friends. Because when you don't have the energy to maintain a friendship that's what happens.
All of this sounds depressing but at the end of the run my tears were about joy. The joy of knowing I survived. The joy of the small circle of friends that stuck it out with me. The joy of knowing that these days I smile less but laugh a whole lot more!

This is part of the small circle of friends that surrounded me and my wife on our wedding day.

Lesson #2 that I have learned from running

Not only do I not have to be perfect but I don't even have to be good at it.
It has taken me thirty-five years of life to realize that there are things I can do just because I enjoy it. I have a huge list of I never... because I am just not good at it.
One of those things was running. I will probably never be a 'good' runner. By most standards I am pretty bad. I get overjoyed when I run a 10 minute mile. My goal for the marathon is to 1. finish 2. try and finish in under 6 1/2 hours. But just because I will probably never qualify for Boston or even just win a local race in my age division doesn't mean I shouldn't or can't run.
Since running my list of 'I never' is slowly being crossed off. I enjoy dancing, painting, and Zumba lessons. I want to learn how to play different sports, take a pottery class, and learn Yoga. I know longer care if I am good at these things. The important question that I want to find out is do I enjoy them? Do they bring meaning to my life?
I look back and think about all of the things I have missed out of doing because I was afraid I wouldn't be good at it. This usually makes me sad but today when I was out running, I suddenly felt grateful that for the rest of my life I will try new things and decide if I should or shouldn't do something based on the joy and meaning it brings to my life.

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.”
~ Henry van Dyke

Food!

It is no secret that I love cooking. I love feeding people. I love food. I love creating things in the kitchen. I like flavor and pretty presentations. When I first started my healthy new me one of the hardest things was cooking. I thought I was going to give up my love. I didn’t know how to cook without butter and oil. One of my favorite dinners included an entire pound of butter.

These days I hardly ever use butter. I am still cooking with the same bottle of olive oil I bought last year. My big surprise is I still love cooking. I find it a whole new challenge and joy. All of my recipes are new and exciting. When I cook dinner now, I worry about taste, nutrient, fat, and calories. I want the people that I am cooking for to leave the table feeling good about the tasty meal they just enjoyed.

I don’t eat a lot of meat or dairy anymore. So, I cook a lot with my new favorite food- Black Beans. We have black bean tacos, black beans and (brown) rice, black beans and eggs, and one of my new favorite recipes poblano peppers stuffed with black beans.

Poblano Peppers Stuffed with Black Beans
1 can of Bushes Fiesta Black Beans
1 can of Black Beans (please look for the low sodium ones)
1-2 table spoons of garlic chopped (I love garlic)
1-jalapeno pepper chopped
6-poblano peppers with their seeds removed
Fresh cilantro
Preheat oven to 425 F. Spray the bottom of a pan. Combine first 4 ingredients in a large bowl. Stuff the mixture into the six peppers. Cook for about 20-25 minutes. They are done when the peppers are tender. Sprinkle with cilantro and serve.
These are good by themselves but can become a nice dinner by topping with shrimp and served on top of rice.

When do you really see your beautiful self?

Last January I had a goal to lose 60 pounds. I thought it would make me feel better about myself. I thought maybe I could love my body and then be able to love myself. I thought I would feel beautiful. Losing 60 pounds was not going to make me skinny I weighed 260 but I thought it would make a big difference in my attitude towards my body. I will never forget standing on the scale and seeing it read 200 pounds I should have been happy but as looked at myself in the mirror I saw my stomach and my round full cheeks, I thought what is the point? I felt disappointed not beautiful.

One morning after a run I looked in the mirror. I saw myself, my beautiful self. There I saw my strong legs that not only ran me around these days but also carried my weight, emotional as well as physical, for all of these years. I knew that my body was beautiful both at 200 pounds and 260.

I still get on the scale. I now weigh 175. I still look in the mirror after seeing those numbers and think what is the point? My stomach is still flabby. My face is still fat. I just want to go back to eating what I want, when I want.

Then I go on a run. Now, every time I get back from running I make it a point to stand in front of the mirror and check myself out. I marvel at my legs, my back, and my amazing body. I feel strong and beautiful. I feel healthy. In that moment the scale doesn't matter. Eating healthy doesn't feel like a challenge but away of saying thank you to my body.

I want to move past my weight. I don't want to care what the numbers on the scale say. I want to move past that part. I will keep working on it. It is a journey.

I know not everyone likes to run but we all have something that makes us feel strong and beautiful. I hope for all of us we can make that our focus and not the number on the scale.

Lesson #1 that running has taught me-Having someone believe in you makes all the difference

My marathon journey started one day last August. I was running my second one mile run of my adult life. (I think it took 17 minutes.) I started thinking about how amazing it would be if I could run the Chicago Marathon. It would be like I could do the impossible. The closer I got to the end of the mile the better it started sounding.
When I walked into the house after that run I blurted to my wife, “I am going to run the Chicago Marathon!” When I said it I wished I could take it back. What a silly thing to think and say. The month before, I struggled to run a 1/8 of mile. I could only run one mile and that was a struggle. Plus I weighed 210 pounds. My wife silenced all that doubt that I had in me when she said, “We should get you new running shoes.”
I am grateful beyond any words for her support and belief in me.