TW (Trigger Warning)
In a 1999 longitudinal study of 3,000 women, researchers found women who had been victimized before were seven times more likely to be raped again. (Acierno, Resnick, Kilpatrick, Saunders and Best, Jnl. of Anxiety Disorders 13, 6.)
The last time I was a victim of sexual assault was about 5 years ago. I still have a hard time calling it the “R” word because I didn’t scream, I didn’t kick, I didn’t hit, and I didn’t get any bruises. I just pleaded for him to stop.
This man had made me a victim for the last 12 years. I felt powerless over him. He was not directly a part of my life anymore and because I don’t want to reveal his identity, I can’t tell you why he was in my life but just trust me when I say it was not by my choice.
This time I decided it had to stop. I couldn’t go on living in fear of when the next time might happen. I went to the hospital. I told them that I thought I might have been raped. I went through the exam embarrassed and ashamed. I hadn’t shaved my legs. I just got done working so I needed a shower. I was wearing granny panties. I wasn’t sure I should even be there.
The police were nice to me. They reassured me that yes I should be there. Yes, this needs to stop. They were nice until they found out I was gay. The detective investigating the case actually said to me that I wasn’t raped but that I just missed having sex with a man and that afterwards I must have felt guilty so I decided to call it rape.
What followed after that is the worst months of my life. I was able to successfully get a two year restraining order on the guy but the detective thought the man who did this to me was right when he said I was a “lesbian that just needed some good dick” filed a false informing charge against me. I was facing court, fines, and jail time. I was in the lowest place of my life.
The charges were dropped but the emotional scares I have are more like open gapping wounds. Police trigger me; they scare me and do not make me feel safe or protected.
In a 1999 longitudinal study of 3,000 women, researchers found women who had been victimized before were seven times more likely to be raped again. (Acierno, Resnick, Kilpatrick, Saunders and Best, Jnl. of Anxiety Disorders 13, 6.)
The last time I was a victim of sexual assault was about 5 years ago. I still have a hard time calling it the “R” word because I didn’t scream, I didn’t kick, I didn’t hit, and I didn’t get any bruises. I just pleaded for him to stop.
This man had made me a victim for the last 12 years. I felt powerless over him. He was not directly a part of my life anymore and because I don’t want to reveal his identity, I can’t tell you why he was in my life but just trust me when I say it was not by my choice.
This time I decided it had to stop. I couldn’t go on living in fear of when the next time might happen. I went to the hospital. I told them that I thought I might have been raped. I went through the exam embarrassed and ashamed. I hadn’t shaved my legs. I just got done working so I needed a shower. I was wearing granny panties. I wasn’t sure I should even be there.
The police were nice to me. They reassured me that yes I should be there. Yes, this needs to stop. They were nice until they found out I was gay. The detective investigating the case actually said to me that I wasn’t raped but that I just missed having sex with a man and that afterwards I must have felt guilty so I decided to call it rape.
What followed after that is the worst months of my life. I was able to successfully get a two year restraining order on the guy but the detective thought the man who did this to me was right when he said I was a “lesbian that just needed some good dick” filed a false informing charge against me. I was facing court, fines, and jail time. I was in the lowest place of my life.
The charges were dropped but the emotional scares I have are more like open gapping wounds. Police trigger me; they scare me and do not make me feel safe or protected.
A few months ago I found out that the guy who attacked me moved in just a block away. There is nothing a can do the restraining order has long been expired. My first reaction was that I was never going to be able to leave my apartment by myself. Then I thought about running and how much joy it brings to me. I am not about to let this man take away my joy again. So, the next day after I found out I ran the snow covered dark morning. I was scared but I knew I wasn’t going to be trapped in my house.
Running has made me a stronger person physically and mentally. Now that he lives so close to me our paths have crossed a couple of time. I don’t break down into tears or run out of the grocery store when this happens. I don’t speak to him. I just walk away. I also don’t make any stupid moves. I don’t run without my cell phone. I only run where there are people and street lights. I keep running because it is my therapy. It is what gives me strength and peace. I keep running because neither my attacker or the police or my fears are going to take that away from me. It’s been a long road to get to where I am today and I literally have miles left to go before I am finished.
Bravo Kim, keep running! We love you and we are so sorry for the pain that you have had in your short life.
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