Run On!

One of the views while running to the beach from my house!

The whole reason I started this blog was to track my feelings and progress on running and weight loss. Turns out, that running creates a space for me think about my life and weight loss has brought to surface lots of past life challenges. SO, what I end up with is what seems like a very random blog. It actually just goes to show how everything in life is intertwined.

Here is the update.

I have been the same size for almost a year. Total weight loss is 110 pounds. There for a while I thought I was going to drive myself crazy (Lavender too) with my obsessiveness and constant worry about gaining the weight back. I am happy to report that I am some better about it. It’s a progress. I think when you spend 2 years of your life losing weight you get at least two years of your life trying to figure out how to maintain the weight loss in a healthy way. I am trying to be grace filled with myself on this.

Now that we have the no fun yucky part of the way let’s talk about RUNING!

It hasn’t been easy with my schedule but I still manage to run. It is an important part of my sanity. I set a goal to run a 5k in under 30 minutes. I almost did it May. My next run is the Blackhawks 5k. I am pretty sure I can make this goal a happen.

I LOVE running in my new neighborhood! It is awesome. There are always people running and they are every size, age, and gender. I ran to China Town and Lake Michigan from where I live. Strangers out for their jog will fall into pace with me and carry on a conversation like we have always been running buddies. I often get live entertainment on my runs either by performers in the park or Mariachi bands practicing in their garage. My neighborhood is alive and full of energy and it fuels my runs.

The future includes the Hot Chocolate 15k, the Turkey Trot 8k, some TBA runs, and October 2013 will be my second marathon!

Run On!

To run or not to run the marathon, that is the question?!

A week ago Monday I went on a ten mile run. During this ten mile run I was reflecting on and comparing this run to my first ten mile run. My first ten mile run was the end of October 2010. I know this because the annual 15K Hot Chocolate Race in Chicago was about a week away. At that time I had only been running for a couple of months but when I first heard about it a Hot Chocolate Race I wanted to run it. However, I talked myself out of signing up for it knowing that I couldn’t run that far. I was mad at myself. Here I was telling myself I couldn’t do something, again. That morning I woke up and just decided to prove to myself that I could do it. So I mapped out my ten miles and took off. It is the first time I remember ever having blisters on the bottoms of my feet but definitely not the last. It felt good to prove to myself that I could do it. It would be another a few months before I did it again but now ten miles is my favorite distance to run when I have the time and the weather is nice.

This run last Monday I was just out enjoying the run. I had nothing to prove. That’s when I started thinking about the marathon. You see almost daily someone ask me if I am going to run the marathon again this year and always tell them I don’t know. I don’t know because we are moving this summer, Lavender’s job is going to be more demanding of her time, Susan graduates, there will be a killer graduation party, Susan will move off to college, and I will hopefully be starting my first teaching job. All of this would take place during peak marathon training. I ran it last year in the middle of student teaching, fundraising, and working but I had something to prove to myself. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. I needed to tell myself that I could run 26.2 miles in under 6 ½ hours and then do it. I don’t need to prove to myself that I can do this. I already know that I can. I want to run the marathon again but just not this year. I am not going to stop running. I ran all winter long. It’s my therapy. It’s what I do for myself. I will be out this year just enjoying the run. However, come 2013 watch out. I plan on finishing the Chicago Marathon in less than 5 hours!

"I plan to run that race so hard I won't want to think about racing for at least 48 hours."-L. Thorvilson

Post-Marathon Blues

I received my official finishers’ certificate from the marathon about a week ago. That was cool. I ran an 8k Turkey Trot in Chicago on Thanksgiving beating my time last year by 5 minutes. That was cool. My daughter was a volunteer at the Turkey Tot and it was great seeing her 3 ½ miles into the race. I have enjoyed sleeping. I have also enjoyed being able to hear my wife preach on Sundays. Since I don’t have to wake up early I have enjoyed some late nights out and a few extra margarita’s to go with those late nights.

It was hard training for the marathon in the middle of my crazy busy year. There were times when I thought not only was I going to go insane trying to ‘do it all’ but that I was going to make my family insane with me.

Here I am now a month and half later and I miss training for the marathon. I miss the long runs. I miss the time by myself. I miss the runners on the trail. I miss the therapy it gave me. I miss the pain in my body. Yep, I miss the pain. I miss the joy of reaching a new running goal.

When people ask me if I will run another marathon the answer is “YES!” I want to run again next year but I am not sure I can commit to the training this upcoming year but I already have dreams of destination marathons in my future. I can’t wait to do it again. Who would have ever thought I would say that?

Right now I have the post-marathon blues but I know there is another marathon journey around the corner and I hope when it happens my friends and family will not be sick of hearing me talk about running and journey with me again.

Run On!

Running is Not a Solo Sport

Running is not a solo sport. I discovered this long before the day of the marathon.

There were mornings when Lavender would gently nudge me out of bed telling me that I would feel better if I got up and ran. When I was having a really hard time getting out the door she would offer to run with me or ride her bike beside me.

Friends gave me encouragement by asking me about my training and making positive comments. Relatives and friends came together to donate to Children’s Memorial Hospital the team that I was running for. Every donation that I got gave me extra motivation and energy. In the end, I raised almost $1100 for Children’s Memorial Hospital with everyone’s help.

Fellow runners that I met on the path were other sources of energy. We would say encouraging things to each other as we crossed paths or if we were taking a break and walking we would often share our running stories with one another.
I don’t think I could have trained without all this awesomeness around me.

I know I couldn’t have finished the marathon without ‘my team.’

Lavender and Erin met up with on mile 2. I was feeling strong. I stopped to kiss Lavender and I am pretty sure I had a big goofy grin from excitement. I took off running and they took off on their bicycles to catch up with me later. I saw them again at mile 6. I had even more speed behind me and I was feeling good. I waved at them and ran on. The next time I saw them it was mile 12. I was still feeling fine but slowing down a little.

When I reached the half-way point of 13.1 miles, the sun came out and started beating down on me. My stomach was killing me. The fact that I hadn’t eaten enough was also becoming apparent. Exhaustion was also setting in; I had been awake since 2AM. (It’s hard to sleep the night before a marathon.)

Lavender and Erin were waiting for me at mile 14. This time I stopped and hugged Lavender. She was literally holding me up. I was having huge doubts about finishing. I struggled to make it to mile 16 where Lavender and Erin were once again waiting to encourage me.

Then at mile 17 I was surprised to see my friends Bill and Dianne. They walked with me as I complained about my stomach issues (probably in too many details). They left me at the bathrooms and waited for me where Erin and Lavender was also waiting.

When I met up with them, Lavender walked with me until the 18 mile. Walking with her was just like any other long run where she would ride her bike out to meet me, offering me fresh water and encouragement. After that, I was back in the marathon and ready to finish.

Erin ran with me at mile 20. It was the encouragement that I needed to keep running. Lavender was waiting at mile 21 and they rode off together.

Mile 24 I met up with them again. This time when I saw them I was crying because I knew that I did. I knew that I would finish. I knew that the little girl in gym class that always got picked last for everything was about to finish a marathon.

I was more aware of my surroundings and present in the moment during those last 2.2 miles than at any other time during the race. I talked to spectators and runners. It was the most painful, rewarding, and beautiful 2 miles that I have ever ran.

I saw Dianne and Bill again at mile 26. I know I was smiling goofy because despite the pain I was feeling good. I saw my daughter, Alison, and their friend Ian at mile 26.1 holding up signs.

I cried as I ran over the finish line and they placed the metal on my neck. At that time all I wanted was my team. The people who made sure I crossed the finish line. Running is not a solo sport. I couldn’t have done it without them. I am forever grateful.

I Love Being Physical with My Wife!

This past weekend I ran in the Chicago Blackhawks Mad Dash to Madison 5k with my spouse. Now, I have been training for this marathon for what feels like forever. It was back in June that my ‘short’ runs became 7 miles long and my longs runs actually turned into long runs. This is also when I stopped running with my spouse. I mean let’s face it not to many people are willing to go for a seven mile fun run. So, this break away from marathon training was way more than a break. It was a chance to reconnect and remember why I started running in the first place.

When I first met Lavender I told her that I never and would never run. I really meant it to. I also informed her that I stayed inside during cold, snowy, extremely hot, or extremely cold weather. My list of things that I didn’t or wouldn’t do was amazingly long.

She on the other hand would announce that she was going for a run on a cold snowy afternoon or for a walk in the rain. This fascinated me but didn’t really interest me.

However, when I would decide that the day was nice enough I would go with her. It was great. We would talk and laugh. It was time to be with just each other.

It was the fall of 2009, when she convinced me to go for walk in the rain with her. I never knew that raindrops could be that amazing.

A month or so later she was heading out the door in the freezing cold telling me I should go with her. She had on her light jacket, a pair of gloves, and a hat. I put on 2 pairs of gloves, two shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of socks, a heavy winter coat, a hat, and a scarf. We walked through mounds of snow to the library. It was fun. It was great being outside breathing in the air. It was great being the only two people sharing the side walk.

It was that spring that she would say things like let’s just jog for a little while or would speed off knowing that I would chase after her. Laughing and cursing at the same time.

That summer we played at the beach, hiked the trails, and went bike riding. It was by the end of that summer that I was running! I had also enjoyed and played outside for all four seasons.

That year we spent hours outside being playful, engaging in serious conversations, and just quietly being there for each other as we wrestled through our demons.

These moments were playful, loving, caring, always sweet, and forever with me.I often wonder how it’s going to feel when I am no longer training for a marathon.

Doing this 5k has given me something to look forward to post marathon; a cold snowy winter, to run, walk, and bike with my wife. There is just something amazing about being physical with her. ;-) It has transformed me. I no longer say I will not, never, or I can’t.

Giving Thanks to a Bathroom!

On my long runs, I leave my house in Portage and run until the trail ends in Chesterton. As anyone that runs will tell you, eventually all of that moving will lead to you having to go to the bathroom in some really bad ways. It happens. It almost always happens to me when the only bathroom that is going to be around for miles is a very scary outhouse along the trail. This thing looks disgusting on the outside. It doesn’t lock and you better bring your own toilet paper or have a spouse that is willing to hop on her bike and bring you some. I am pretty sure that you don’t want me to go into the details of the stains on the wall and floor or the smells. Just know this- for as scary as it looks it smells even worse. Imagine to my delight this morning as I am realizing that I am going to HAVE to use the scary bathroom when in the distance I see that it’s gone and a brand new port-a-potty is in its place. I have never been more grateful for a port-a-potty. When I started my run again my thoughts drifted to all of the things that I have found myself being grateful and thanking the universe for, things that I am not sure I would have ever paused to say thanks for before I started running. Here is a list of a few of my favorites.

1. Semi-clean bathrooms
2. 20 degree weather, when on previous days it had been in the teens
3. 87 degree weather, when on previous days it had been in the high nineties
4. Soft snow or light rain
5. Smiles and encouragement from complete strangers
6. Watching the seasons change
7. Seeing my spouse mid-way through my run holding out fresh water for me
8. A cat that demands I take a break to pet it
9. Watching the sun set or rise

I have always taken the time in my life to be grateful and say thanks but running has given me so many more opportunities to be grateful.

Losing Weight VS. Running

People send me emails, contact me through Facebook, and call me asking me how I started running because they want to lose weight too. First I want to tell you that I always enjoy answering their questions and I am always flattered by the kind words they say to me. It is very encouraging. However, what I want people to know is that I did not start running nor do I continue running to lose weight.

I lost weight by changing what I eat. I eat whole foods, lots of fruit and veggies. I don’t eat much meat, oil, or dairy products. I have not cut any food from my diet and the only way I would encourage someone to give up a food group is if they were doing it for religious, moral, health, or environmental reasons. If I am hungry I eat. I try and sometimes fail especially if it is an all you can eat situation to only eat until I am no longer hungry. I also wish to point out that it took me 18 months to lose 100 pounds. So, while many people are just now noticing my transformation this has been a slow work of progress. I didn’t take diet pills or have any surgery. I did however pay attention to my calories and tried to stay above 1,600 and below 2,000.

I started running after I lost the first 50 pounds. For me running is my time. I get lost in my thoughts. I explore my emotions. I let go of my past. I forgive people. I forgive myself. During a run I push myself to run further and harder, to let go of the shame that haunts me and the fears that paralyze me. Running makes me feel strong, beautiful, and confident. I run because I know when I return from pushing my body’s limit to places I didn’t think were possible, I am ready to push on in other areas of my life. I run because it makes me feel alive. I run because I never thought I could and every time I go out there I am showing myself that I can do all the things I never dreamed possible.

I hope that all of you can find something that empowers you, gives you space, makes you feel confident, and brings out your inner beauty.

This is What I Know

This is what I know-

I do not do well with change.

I love routine.

I like schedules and list.

2012 is going to be an amazing year for my family full of accomplishments and celebrations, yet complicated by so many unknowns.

First off, I will graduate! Where will I be able to find a job? Will I be able to find a job? Next my spouse’s job changes location. This means she also loses her place to sleep in the city? How ill she ever get enough sleep? Will we have to buy a second car? Will we be able to afford two apartments for a while? Will I have a job that can help with this?

Our daughter graduates! Where will she go to school? Will we be able to give her money towards her education? How much? Will I have a job that can help with this?

Finally we are moving. How far away will be from our daughter, who will be away at school? How often will I get to see her? How hard will it be to be separated from someone that I have been with for over half my life? Where will we move? Will I have a job that can help with this?

There is nothing we can do right now to find answers. We have to wait. We can’t help my daughter pick a school because we don’t know where we will be living or how much money we will have to help her. We can’t decide where to live because we don’t know where I will be able to find a job.

This is what I know; Monday I start a training plan for the Chicago Marathon. I have a schedule. It is written in my calendar book. I know that I will wake up early Monday morning, run, come home start my coffee, check my email, eat my oatmeal and repeat until October 9th. I know I will drive a lot of people crazy talking about the marathon and my training. I know this marathon is important to me because I can’t focus on all the changes and unknowns. This gives me a schedule. This gives me a routine, at least until the marathon.

I know that I am grateful for the routine of running, the schedule of training, and the support and love of friends and family.

Lesson #3 That I Have Learned from Running- Keep Running

TW (Trigger Warning)

In a 1999 longitudinal study of 3,000 women, researchers found women who had been victimized before were seven times more likely to be raped again. (Acierno, Resnick, Kilpatrick, Saunders and Best, Jnl. of Anxiety Disorders 13, 6.)

The last time I was a victim of sexual assault was about 5 years ago. I still have a hard time calling it the “R” word because I didn’t scream, I didn’t kick, I didn’t hit, and I didn’t get any bruises. I just pleaded for him to stop.

This man had made me a victim for the last 12 years. I felt powerless over him. He was not directly a part of my life anymore and because I don’t want to reveal his identity, I can’t tell you why he was in my life but just trust me when I say it was not by my choice.

This time I decided it had to stop. I couldn’t go on living in fear of when the next time might happen. I went to the hospital. I told them that I thought I might have been raped. I went through the exam embarrassed and ashamed. I hadn’t shaved my legs. I just got done working so I needed a shower. I was wearing granny panties. I wasn’t sure I should even be there.

The police were nice to me. They reassured me that yes I should be there. Yes, this needs to stop. They were nice until they found out I was gay. The detective investigating the case actually said to me that I wasn’t raped but that I just missed having sex with a man and that afterwards I must have felt guilty so I decided to call it rape.

What followed after that is the worst months of my life. I was able to successfully get a two year restraining order on the guy but the detective thought the man who did this to me was right when he said I was a “lesbian that just needed some good dick” filed a false informing charge against me. I was facing court, fines, and jail time. I was in the lowest place of my life.

The charges were dropped but the emotional scares I have are more like open gapping wounds. Police trigger me; they scare me and do not make me feel safe or protected.

A few months ago I found out that the guy who attacked me moved in just a block away. There is nothing a can do the restraining order has long been expired. My first reaction was that I was never going to be able to leave my apartment by myself. Then I thought about running and how much joy it brings to me. I am not about to let this man take away my joy again. So, the next day after I found out I ran the snow covered dark morning. I was scared but I knew I wasn’t going to be trapped in my house.

Running has made me a stronger person physically and mentally. Now that he lives so close to me our paths have crossed a couple of time. I don’t break down into tears or run out of the grocery store when this happens. I don’t speak to him. I just walk away. I also don’t make any stupid moves. I don’t run without my cell phone. I only run where there are people and street lights. I keep running because it is my therapy. It is what gives me strength and peace. I keep running because neither my attacker or the police or my fears are going to take that away from me. It’s been a long road to get to where I am today and I literally have miles left to go before I am finished.

Update on Training

I blog about a lot of stuff that seems to have nothing to do with running or the Chicago Marathon but everything is intertwined and connected.

However, I thought I would update you on my progress. The actual marathon training starts in a month and the marathon is now just five months away!

I am averaging six miles four times a week. It takes me about 1 hour and ten minutes. I ran my first and only nine minute mile not very long ago!

I am getting nervous and excited to start the training program. Even though I am nervous, I feel ready and confident.

I have to tell you that for me, I think that first mile I ever ran will always be the hardest and the one I am the proudest of, no matter how many more miles I log.


I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~Pablo Picasso

"Run Fatso Run!"

I had a dream last night where I weighed 260 pounds. I was running on the side walk in my town. People driving by were shouting mean things out their window like, “run fatso run!” I woke up in tears because that dream brought me back to my own reality. That was something that happened to me on a regular basis not long ago.

There are lots of reasons why a person may be overweight. It’s easier in the United States to eat unhealthy then in is healthy because it’s often cheaper and faster. Some of us eat as way to deal with stress and our painful past. A few have health problem that make it easier for them to gain weight. My point is that no matter what the reason is shaming a person or publicly humiliating them is wrong.

Since I have lost weight I have noticed that more people are willing to look me in the eyes. Men hold doors for me. I didn’t even know that men still held doors?! If I am at the grocery store only buying a few things people let me go ahead of them. It’s like I am being seen for the very first time and it pisses me off.

We are getting bigger and I am not saying that this is not a health crisis but the way we as a country are trying to fix it is shameful. Take a look at some of the Billboards going up across our nation.



They just give reason and voice to bullies everywhere to make fun of and pick on overweight people. And just so we are clear bullies do not only exist in the classroom. They are family members, co-workers, and strangers on the street.

The only honest answer I have here is that shame is not the path to recovery. That being said I think we need to look at our food that continues to loose nutritional value because of poor soil conditions and the unethical way we treat our animals. I think we need to look at our health care system and make mental health an important issue. I think we need to provide more afterschool programs for our children. Some parents can afford to take their children to softball and soccer practice, but those the children most at risk for being overweight come from families that don’t have the finical means or time.

If you are one of the lucky people that has never had to worry about your weight, good for you! If you don’t have something nice to say then keep your mouth shut.

If you are an overweight person and are running on the paths or show up at the gym you are instantly my hero. You are brave. You are standing up for yourself and making it possible for others. I know I would have never started this journey towards a healthier me without people like you.

Small Circle

For me running has been a form of therapy. I start running and let go of my mind. I see myself more clearly. I have had some really good runs that have ended in some really great crys. My walls come down and I allow myself to feel. I allow myself to be open and free my emotions.
Recently I had one of those really good runs that ended in a really great cry. It was on this run that I realized just how depressed I had been during a certain period of my life. This was a time in my life just after my second divorce. I was raising my child, losing my house, working 40+ hours, being sued, trying to go school, starting yet another abusive relationship, broke, sexually violated, and losing a business. Yet, I smiled during this period so much that my cheeks hurt. I acted happy. Sometimes I even thought I was happy. I had no energy left for very many real conversations. I was a fake to myself and to my friends. I lost a lot of friends. Because when you don't have the energy to maintain a friendship that's what happens.
All of this sounds depressing but at the end of the run my tears were about joy. The joy of knowing I survived. The joy of the small circle of friends that stuck it out with me. The joy of knowing that these days I smile less but laugh a whole lot more!

This is part of the small circle of friends that surrounded me and my wife on our wedding day.

Lesson #2 that I have learned from running

Not only do I not have to be perfect but I don't even have to be good at it.
It has taken me thirty-five years of life to realize that there are things I can do just because I enjoy it. I have a huge list of I never... because I am just not good at it.
One of those things was running. I will probably never be a 'good' runner. By most standards I am pretty bad. I get overjoyed when I run a 10 minute mile. My goal for the marathon is to 1. finish 2. try and finish in under 6 1/2 hours. But just because I will probably never qualify for Boston or even just win a local race in my age division doesn't mean I shouldn't or can't run.
Since running my list of 'I never' is slowly being crossed off. I enjoy dancing, painting, and Zumba lessons. I want to learn how to play different sports, take a pottery class, and learn Yoga. I know longer care if I am good at these things. The important question that I want to find out is do I enjoy them? Do they bring meaning to my life?
I look back and think about all of the things I have missed out of doing because I was afraid I wouldn't be good at it. This usually makes me sad but today when I was out running, I suddenly felt grateful that for the rest of my life I will try new things and decide if I should or shouldn't do something based on the joy and meaning it brings to my life.

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.”
~ Henry van Dyke

Lesson #1 that running has taught me-Having someone believe in you makes all the difference

My marathon journey started one day last August. I was running my second one mile run of my adult life. (I think it took 17 minutes.) I started thinking about how amazing it would be if I could run the Chicago Marathon. It would be like I could do the impossible. The closer I got to the end of the mile the better it started sounding.
When I walked into the house after that run I blurted to my wife, “I am going to run the Chicago Marathon!” When I said it I wished I could take it back. What a silly thing to think and say. The month before, I struggled to run a 1/8 of mile. I could only run one mile and that was a struggle. Plus I weighed 210 pounds. My wife silenced all that doubt that I had in me when she said, “We should get you new running shoes.”
I am grateful beyond any words for her support and belief in me.