Fat, Again

I am fat, again. It is so difficult to be back here. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would get below 200 pounds and never return to the 200s again. I promised myself that I would treat my body with the respect it deserved by exercising and eating healthy. I promised myself that I would work on my emotional crap by painting, running, and being more open with those around me.

I lied but I also felt that I was told a lie. I did everything I was supposed to do and it felt amazing. Then I was betrayed by own body, at least that’s how it felt.

It started over three years ago. I had a crazy pain caused by a rather large gallbladder stone. After surgery this happened, http://speakingaboutthat.blogspot.com/2013/04/tw-trigger-warning.html . I ate and ate some more but I also tried to cope with the memories in all the new positive ways I taught myself. I started getting depressed and crying all the time. I started screwing things up and forgetting to do really important things.

I ran my second marathon. (I was still trying.)

I ate.

Running became a challenge because I couldn’t feel my left side of my body. I started getting migraines and I was exhausted all the time.

My b12 and vitamin D levels were “dangerously low.” I was given vitamin supplements and b12 shots. I felt better but still exhausted.

I ran a half marathon (still trying). Had another surgery to repair the giant hole the first surgery left in my stomach muscles.

I ate.

I was tired.

I went work, ate, and slept. I had no energy.

Summer break, I slept, a lot.

My father died. I was grateful, numb, confused, and angry. I called my step mom to give her my condolences. She asked me how much I weighed. I had not talked to her in years and this was the question she asked.

I ate.

I slept.

I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t do more. Why I couldn’t just get up and start running? Why I was hungry all the time? Why I was always exhausted and in pain? Why wasn’t I coping with my life anymore?

I went to a new doctor. He ran some new blood test. My iron was low, as was my B12 and D despite being on heavy doses of supplements. He also discovered that I wasn’t absorbing protein. He suggested that I stop eating gluten.

Two weeks after that I started feeling better.

It’s been two months since giving up gluten. I am not as hungry all the time. I am only sleeping 8 hours. I have a little bit more pep in my step. I am still not running but I have hope. I have so much hope that I signed up for a race April 2.

I am still fat but I am starting not to hate my body or myself for the extra fluff. My body and I went through and SURVIVED a lot these past few years. The fluff is my armor. It is my emotional crap and my bodies cry for nutrition. I hope I can start down a healthier road. I also hope when I look in the mirror it’s not with disgust with how I let myself go but instead with awe of how I survived.

Body Image and Prom

We had prom. I say we because it was an all day event but actually it was our 17 year old daughter who had prom. She was beautiful in her dress. We went to Chicago the night before to get our nails and toes done. Her hair and make-up was done by my friend Jessica. My friend Dianne took pictures in her studio. It was an event.

I was hoping it would be a fun feel good event for her. After all it’s not every day you get the star treatment.

It wasn’t fun. She was in freak out mode for about three days before prom. The worst moment came when she exclaimed, “I feel fat!”

My spouse tweeted, “Events like prom are utterly vile to me as they cast shame upon the natural beauty of people by making a size 2 girl think she's fat.”

Daughter almost in tears, “A size two is fat! I am a size zero!”

All I could think is WTF!

My size zero daughter is having a melt down because she feels fat. How did this happen? Why did this happen? When did this happen?

There is a study out there (http://sticerd.lse.ac.uk/dps/eopp/eopp17.pdf) that says if we use plus size models women would gain weight. (Keep in mind that a size 8 is considered a plus size model.) The study goes on to say that it is actually healthier for us to look skinny models because it keeps us from over eating. Really?

I can’t understand how it is healthy for a size zero to think she is fat. I can’t understand how it is healthy for a size eight to think she is a plus size. I can’t understand how it is healthy to call clothes a plus size. I can’t understand why we keep putting up with this from the fashion industry? If you want me to buy your clothes then let me see them on beautiful normal size females.

There are great campaigns out there like the Dove Real Beauty, Just My Size, and Cover Girl. They show women of all sizes. It doesn’t make me want to eat. It just makes me want to buy their products.

My daughter is a healthy size, she eats, she dances, and she is beautiful. She should never have to feel fat. She should never have to look at unhealthy images and think that, that is what beauty is. These images of super skinny models don’t keep us healthy instead they cast shame.

As a mother I try to give my daughter good self-esteem. I try to let her know that she is beautiful inside and out. It would be nice if I had a little help from the fashion industry.