Fat, Again

I am fat, again. It is so difficult to be back here. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would get below 200 pounds and never return to the 200s again. I promised myself that I would treat my body with the respect it deserved by exercising and eating healthy. I promised myself that I would work on my emotional crap by painting, running, and being more open with those around me.

I lied but I also felt that I was told a lie. I did everything I was supposed to do and it felt amazing. Then I was betrayed by own body, at least that’s how it felt.

It started over three years ago. I had a crazy pain caused by a rather large gallbladder stone. After surgery this happened, http://speakingaboutthat.blogspot.com/2013/04/tw-trigger-warning.html . I ate and ate some more but I also tried to cope with the memories in all the new positive ways I taught myself. I started getting depressed and crying all the time. I started screwing things up and forgetting to do really important things.

I ran my second marathon. (I was still trying.)

I ate.

Running became a challenge because I couldn’t feel my left side of my body. I started getting migraines and I was exhausted all the time.

My b12 and vitamin D levels were “dangerously low.” I was given vitamin supplements and b12 shots. I felt better but still exhausted.

I ran a half marathon (still trying). Had another surgery to repair the giant hole the first surgery left in my stomach muscles.

I ate.

I was tired.

I went work, ate, and slept. I had no energy.

Summer break, I slept, a lot.

My father died. I was grateful, numb, confused, and angry. I called my step mom to give her my condolences. She asked me how much I weighed. I had not talked to her in years and this was the question she asked.

I ate.

I slept.

I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t do more. Why I couldn’t just get up and start running? Why I was hungry all the time? Why I was always exhausted and in pain? Why wasn’t I coping with my life anymore?

I went to a new doctor. He ran some new blood test. My iron was low, as was my B12 and D despite being on heavy doses of supplements. He also discovered that I wasn’t absorbing protein. He suggested that I stop eating gluten.

Two weeks after that I started feeling better.

It’s been two months since giving up gluten. I am not as hungry all the time. I am only sleeping 8 hours. I have a little bit more pep in my step. I am still not running but I have hope. I have so much hope that I signed up for a race April 2.

I am still fat but I am starting not to hate my body or myself for the extra fluff. My body and I went through and SURVIVED a lot these past few years. The fluff is my armor. It is my emotional crap and my bodies cry for nutrition. I hope I can start down a healthier road. I also hope when I look in the mirror it’s not with disgust with how I let myself go but instead with awe of how I survived.