When I was a Boy

When I was a boy, I drove tractors and played in the mud. I caught snakes and climbed trees. I burped, belched, and farted whenever I needed to and sometimes just when I wanted to; except of course when my grandmother was present because not even boys do those types of things in front of their grandma.

When I was a boy I drove a go-cart with no brakes. I used my feet for those.

When I was a boy I cherished my bruises and scrapes. I wore them like a badge of honor.

When I was a boy I got my haircut at the barbershop and my jeans from the Tractor Supply Store. To get dressed up, I would wear my darkest blue jeans, nicest cowboy boots, and my cowboy shirt with the shiny buttons. That’s how I knew it was a nice shirt, when it had shiny snap buttons.

When I was a boy I could pee farther and longer than Jimmy Wallace. That’s how I knew I was really cool.

Than in fourth grade my step-mother came along and told me I needed to behave like a lady. I couldn’t belch or fart. I had to get my haircut by a beautician. It was unacceptable to wear clothes from the Tractor Supply Store. I tried to explain to her that those clothes were just made better and didn’t rip and tear as easy but she had none of that.

Gender identiy was so much easier for me when I was 7 and the only thing I needed to be was me. I found this quote about a year ago-
"I want to live in a world where the words male and female are flexible and subjective, even redundant. A world of perpetual transformation, where sexuality and gender become obsolete as people begin to question why they should be the same person, day in, day out. A world where the overriding ethos is to question and explore your sexuality and gender without the restrictions prevalent in 'normal' society. Questioning what is masculine and what is feminine is about redrawing the boundaries (or removing them altogether) surrounding activities that are seen as inherently male or female. I long for a world where the old oppositions of male/female, masculine/feminine, heterosexual/homosexual have dissolved. I want to live in a world where I am free to be whoever I want to be, whenever I want to be, male, female, other or neither." - unknown

I leave you with a link to Dar William’s song “When I Was a Boy.” Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE5YzRr9yPo&feature=related

I am WOMAN hear me meow I mean roar!

I went into crazy mode last Sunday. You know that place of not having rational thoughts because you are having irrational feelings. Normally I would blame this on hormones. Yep, I admit I have PMS in a very ugly way but this was not the case on Sunday. This was something deeper and bigger. This was about being a female in this world and the way in which we are raised.
You might be thinking that I am still not being rational but I assure you that I have thought this through in my best rational voice.
Here is the back story. I wanted to go running really bad but other things kept popping up. I knew I only had a few hours with the sun but what I wanted to do did not seem important. (Irrational thoughts) After all it was just running. Here is the most damaging thought that I had that day- ‘Other people and their needs are more important than mine.’
Where did I get such a thought? The simple answer I was born female. I knew from an early age by watching my female relatives, friends moms, and TV that even if they worked outside of the house that it was their job to make sure their husbands were happy and feed, the kids were taken care of, the house was clean, and whatever time was left, if there was any time left, that was their time to take care of their needs.
I know we are in a different place but how much have we really changed our insides? Do we put ourselves first? Do we take of our needs before taking care of other people? When we do take care of our needs, do we feel guilty?
I am not talking about the give and take of all relationships. I am not talking about those times when you give up sleep because your child is sick. I am not talking about the times when you have to drop everything because your mother/friend/spouse/neighbor needs you. Things happen.
I am talking about the way we cater to our children and all of their needs and wants. I am talking about how we try to do it all- a clean house, work, dinner, PTO, our children’s schedules, committees, charities, church, and the list continues. The way we put everyone else’s needs (and wants), in front of our own needs. And we try to do it all flawlessly and make it appear easy.
I feel lucky; I am in a family that does not put that on me. However, I still find myself putting it on me. I have worked hard at finding that voice that I was never given. It is the small things that I do like telling my daughter that I haven’t had a chance to sit down all day and that’s what I really need to do, so she is going to need to walk the ½ mile to dance. Sometimes I can enjoy that time and sit down but then sometimes I feel guilty. I start thinking ‘What is the big the big deal? Why didn’t I just take her?’
It is small steps. After having a break down and crying to my wife about how I really wanted to run but these other things seemed more important than my needs, she reminded me that my needs were also important and that I NEEDED to voice them. We went running and I felt better about life and my day.
I am a work in progress and I continue to try and figure out how to put myself in my life! I want things to be different for my daughter. I don’t want her to grow up with same images I did of what a woman ‘has to do for her family.’ I want her to have a voice. I want her to know that her needs are just as important as everyone’s. I hope that if my daughter chooses to have a family, she can look at her children or partner and say, “I don’t really feel like doing that. I am tired and I just want to sit here for a while.” I then hope she sits down guilt free with a beverage of her choice and relaxes.