My Shameful Secret

                I have a secret. It’s something I find hard to talk about. It’s the shame that I feel that keeps me from talking about it. My wife is bipolar and suffers from clinical depression. That is not a secret. If you have a question about that, my wife will welcome them and engage you in an open and honest conversation for what that means and has meant in her life. The secret is that I refuse to talk about it.

                I don’t talk about because I am ashamed of the way feel about it.

                I feel selfish. I have read books on how to cope when you have a loved one that is depressed. They say things like make sure you are taking care of yourself. No one tells you how to not yell and take out your anger on your depressed loved one. They don’t tell you how lonely it feels. They don’t tell you how to get over that selfish feeling of wanting to make this about you and scream, “I know you’re depressed but what about me!”

                I think the bigger issue is how afraid it makes me. It scares me. I’m scared because I don’t know how to handle it. I’m scared because it is full of what ifs. I’m scared because I can’t stand the thought of losing Lavender to this disease.  I’m scared because I don’t know how to say the right things. I’m scared.

                The truth is in the past 4 ½ years it hasn’t been a big issue. Lavender is doing well. She has great self-awareness. She takes time for her emotional health. At this time, she doesn’t require medication. Then why you ask do I refuse to talk about it. Well, the moments, the very brief moments this disease has shown itself in our relationship, I did a horrible job of handling it. I was selfish and scared.  I said the wrong things and acted the wrong way. If I can’t handle these brief moments, how can I ever handle a full blown major depressive period? How can support the person I love during this? How will I be able to sit in the darkness with her? This is what scares me.

                When Lavender tries to talk about it or someone else mentions it, I shut down. I know this hurts her. I know she wishes I was able to have an open and honest conversation with her. I know she is patiently waiting. I’m getting there. I need to let go of the shame and talk about how it makes me feel.

What Version of the Truth Do You Want?

I haven’t blogged in a while because I can’t decide what version of the truth I want to say.

I have slowed down on running and it makes me feel terrible inside and out but I have been running ten mile distances almost every week and that makes me feel great.

I have gained 5 pounds and that makes me feel like a loser but I am not training (yet) for a marathon so thinking I could maintain a 0 pound weight gain doesn’t even make sense.

I am happy that my daughter is doing so well at college but when I hear talking about moving out of our home for good, it makes me sad.

I am grateful that my mom came to see me and even more grateful that she said she would probably never come see me again.

I love my job and where I work. I hate that if the wrong person/people find out I am gay I could get fired.

I need to start looking for a new a job but I don’t want to.

I hate living in chaos but have never known anything else so all this stability in our house is great and making me miserable.

My life is amazing and I can’t fully enjoy it because I can’t stop thinking about all the things that might happen to mess it up.

The truth I know for sure I am surrounded by great people full of love.

Running Has Taught Me, I Decide What I Can Do!

I am running the Hot Chocolate 15k tomorrow! I am excited. It is my first time running this race. Let me tell you why.

Two years ago around this time I wanted to run the Hot Chocolate 15k. People told me not to do it. They told me I couldn’t do it. In their defense, I was overweight and I had only been running for two months. I listened to them and didn’t sign up.

The week of the Hot Chocolate I felt really bad about myself. I hated my body. I hated the way I looked. I hated that I was 35 and in school. I hated that I listened to someone else tell me what I could do!

So, I did what any sane person would do.  I got off the couch, put on my running shoes and ran ten miles. When I was done my body hurt in ways I didn’t know were possible. I had blisters on the bottoms of my feet. The inside of my thighs where rubbed raw.  My arms felt like they might break off. I felt like I was going to throw up.  I will never forget that run. It was one of the best feelings I have ever had in my life. I claimed my power that day. I decided what I could do and I did it!

Perspective and Teaching

I went to a beer festival a couple of weeks ago and someone was handing out cheap gloves. Me, being the school teacher, asked for a few pairs to add to my lame bag of prizes for students. I actually call it my "lame bag prizes."  It has free things that I collect and then give away for birthdays, games, and good behavior. Students truly seem to enjoy getting to pick something from my “lame bag of prizes.” They also seem to enjoy the name.

Anyway back to the gloves. I was holding a study group for a math test the next day. I really wanted the students to do well so I offered incentives like pop and chips to come to my study group. I was secretly patting myself on the back when 22 out of 44 students showed up. I mean that is an awesome turn out. I had been working hard for the past three weeks to get them motivated to learn associative, commutative, and distributive properties. They were also learning scientific notation, rounding, and place value. I was pleased with the growth that I was sure they would show.

Back to the gloves. It was the end of the study session. I offered the best behaved and hardest working students a pick at the lame bag of prizes. One of my students looked at me at said, “really we can take these gloves.” I assured him that yes the gloves were fair game. He said, “I’m taking the gloves then. Winter is coming and my hands were cold last year.”

The powers that be are appalled that my 8th grade students don’t know their multiplication facts. Lesson in perspective - 8th grade students who don’t know their multiplication facts are more concerned with keeping their hands warm, taking care of their siblings, and finding food than multiplication facts.

Brunch

When I started this healthier me journey (almost three years ago), I was worried about all the wonderful food I would be giving up. The reality is that I haven’t given up any food just added more wonderful foods to my list. I love creating and trying to new recipes. I love playing with flavor combination. Today’s brunch menu was no exception to this. Everything was pretty, flavorful, and each piece was 100 calories or less.

The menu-
Mushrooms stuffed with spinach
Eggs and salmon with asparagus & red pepper
Granola cups with yogurt & fruit
Mini huevos rancheros using quail eggs



Mini huevos rancheros using quail eggs
small corn tortillias
quail eggs
vegetarian refried beans
salsa
a very small amount of cheddar cheese

Put about a small amount of beans on each tortilla. Make a hole in each mound of beans. Crack eggs into each hole. Bake for about 4 minutes or until eggs are set. Garnish with salsa and cheese.

Eggs and salmon with asparagus & red pepper
8 eggs
8 oz of salmon
1 package of frozen asparagus
1 red pepper
garlic
pepper
thyme
basil
olive oil
Sauté in about a tablespoon of olive oil red pepper, garlic, and spices about 2 minutes later add the salmon. When the salmon is half way cooked add the asparagus. Cook until asparagus is hot and salmon is cooked through. Divide the mixture between 12 muffin tins. I use the square ones just because I like the way it looks. Beat eggs with some water. Divide over the mixture. Bake until eggs are set about 12 minutes.

Granola cups with yogurt & fruit
This is the only recipe I did not make up. I got the recipe from here-
http://www.mommiecooks.com/2012/01/09/granola-bars/

Stuffed Mushrooms
12-large mushrooms
1 package of frozen spinach
1 cup of TVP prepared according to the package
olive oil
¼ cup chopped onion
fresh garlic minced
1 vegetable bullion
sage
brown sugar
clove
black pepper
red crushed pepper
Bake the mushroom caps for about 10 minutes. In about a tablespoon of olive oil add garlic and onion. Cook until onion is done. Add the TPV and spices (I don’t measure things so you’re gonna have to guess). Add spinach cook until heated. Stuff into caps and bake for another 10 minutes.

Run On!

One of the views while running to the beach from my house!

The whole reason I started this blog was to track my feelings and progress on running and weight loss. Turns out, that running creates a space for me think about my life and weight loss has brought to surface lots of past life challenges. SO, what I end up with is what seems like a very random blog. It actually just goes to show how everything in life is intertwined.

Here is the update.

I have been the same size for almost a year. Total weight loss is 110 pounds. There for a while I thought I was going to drive myself crazy (Lavender too) with my obsessiveness and constant worry about gaining the weight back. I am happy to report that I am some better about it. It’s a progress. I think when you spend 2 years of your life losing weight you get at least two years of your life trying to figure out how to maintain the weight loss in a healthy way. I am trying to be grace filled with myself on this.

Now that we have the no fun yucky part of the way let’s talk about RUNING!

It hasn’t been easy with my schedule but I still manage to run. It is an important part of my sanity. I set a goal to run a 5k in under 30 minutes. I almost did it May. My next run is the Blackhawks 5k. I am pretty sure I can make this goal a happen.

I LOVE running in my new neighborhood! It is awesome. There are always people running and they are every size, age, and gender. I ran to China Town and Lake Michigan from where I live. Strangers out for their jog will fall into pace with me and carry on a conversation like we have always been running buddies. I often get live entertainment on my runs either by performers in the park or Mariachi bands practicing in their garage. My neighborhood is alive and full of energy and it fuels my runs.

The future includes the Hot Chocolate 15k, the Turkey Trot 8k, some TBA runs, and October 2013 will be my second marathon!

Run On!

Do you think I deserve less than you?

“I will be your friend and love you even if you support Chick Fil A. I support and care about you as a person. I want to know your thoughts and views. I want to be able to share my thoughts and views with you. My connection to you is deeper than a chicken sandwich.”

This was my Facebook post. I still mean it. I do want to be able to hear and know other peoples thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if it is because I am having a rough work week but hearing other peoples view points this week has been hard.

I celebrated my three year wedding anniversary. I had a church wedding. It was amazing. Listening to people debate if I can legally get married because it’s against the bible is hard to understand. I am not sure what the bible has to do with legal marriages because plenty of non-reading bible people get legally married. People who say they only believe in biblical marriage makes me wonder if they ever read the bible. I don’t see women legally being forced to marrying their rapist, legally becoming a man’s property, having to marry her brother-in-law if her husband dies, or husbands taking on multiple wives. I am just saying if we want to keep marriage biblical maybe we should think about what that means before saying it.

I work in state that can be fired from my job for being gay. I love my job. I work hard and put it long hours. I am always early and always stay late. Is it fair that because some person doesn’t agree with who I love, I can get fired?

And then finally let’s talk about family values. My wife and I we both work in jobs where we service others. She is a pediatric chaplain. She spends all night sitting with people in the darkness. She cares for children and their families that are going through the most difficult times of their lives. I am special education teacher in an urban area. As a family we raise money for various organizations as well as donate are own money. We donate our time and talent. And if you need a dollar, a ride, or a hot meal we are there for you no matter what you believe. Our daughter is a smart, caring, talented young lady getting ready for college.

The debate about Chick Fil A brings me a lot of pain. Not because I want to take away a groups rights to free speech or freedom of religion but because of what it says to me. It tells me that some people think I am of lesser value as a human. It tells me that some people think that my child is not as worthy as their child because as a family we get fucked when it comes to taxes. It tells me that some people think that in an emergency the person who knows me best should not be able to make medical choices for me. I want to scream at people right now, “YOU ARE NOT DEBATING FREEDOM OF RELGION OR FREE SPEECH. YOU ARE DEBATING MY RIGHTS.”

This is not a campaign issue. This is not religious issue. This is about me. I am your friend, your co-worker, your aunt, your cousin, and your niece. When you talk about these things to me, you need to know that you are talking about not giving me the same rights you already have.

The Socially Incorrect Kim

Tell people you have a child going off to college and they tell you “how hard this time must be for you” or “I hated it when my kids left me” or “I hope my child goes somewhere local I don’t want him/her leaving me just yet.”


I came across this blog post when I was looking for graduation party ideas, the author talked about how the worse day of her life was when her children graduated from high school because she knew they would be leaving her soon.


Are you freakin kidding me?! I am excited for the both of us!


Susan gets to create her own life. I am sure it will have its downs. I am also sure she will create joy and happiness for HERSELF!


I have ‘raised’ her for nineteen years to be able to take care of herself. She can cook, do her own laundry, manage her money, and make her own choices.


As a parent isn’t that what we want? To create independent adults who can succeed on their own in this world? If it’s not than shouldn’t we be raising puppies instead of children?


I am looking forward to the empty nest. It seems like that’s wrong to admit but I will anyway. I look forward to walking around my house naked. I look forward to being able to pick up and leave and not having to worry about someone else’s food or transportation.


Don’t get me wrong I also look forward to the weekends when she comes home and I can spoil her with her favorite foods and a pedicure. I look forward to holidays. I look forward to our new relationship where I am not the dictator. Most of all, I look forward to seeing her become her own person.


I raised her for nineteen years just for this moment. Why is that everyone wants me to be sad that it’s here?

Lois

in·spi·ra·tion
-the action or power of moving the intellect or emotions


The moment I met Lois, she was an inspiration to me.


She inspired me in my writing.
http://speakingaboutthat.blogspot.com/2012/02/life-lessons-from-lois.html

She inspired me in my painting.





She inspried me in my photography.

She continues to inspire me to be a better more kind person.

She will be missed.

Aunt Linda

A week ago today we were on our way to Kansas City. We were going for my Aunt Linda’s funeral. Even though during my adulthood we did not talk much, she remained my favorite aunt. Normally I would not declare such a thing in public but I know this comes as no surprise to anyone and I am pretty sure my other aunts understand.

She had this way of making everyone feel special. She married into a LARGE and LOUD family. My grandparents had nine kids. This equaled to a lot of nieces and nephews; I can safely say she made us each feel like we were special to her.

My mom lived with my Aunt Linda and Uncle Robert. So, when I visited my mother during the summer, I was also visiting them. They took me on adventures ice skating, magic shows, swimming, and fishing just to name a few. Aunt Linda always made wonderful dinners and seemed like almost every night my Uncle Tim and Mark would magically show up right when the food was ready.

I wished and wished they could be my parents. I even told my mom and dad that I thought Aunt Linda and Uncle Robert would make the most wonderful parents and that I wished I could be their daughter. (Not a smart thing to say to your parents when you’re 9!)
As I became an adult and real life happened, it got harder and more complicated to visit. Money and time were always a major problem.

She would send me the occasional card or email. I would occasionally respond back. She always knew what to say and was always supportive.

Last year, Lavender and I went out to Kansas. I had decided it was time for her to meet some of the family. Aunt Linda, Uncle Robert and their daughter were living with my grandparents. They moved in to help with my grandmother who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. Aunt Linda was doing most of the housework and cooking. I wanted to make dinner for her. I made one of my favorite meals. We had a nice evening filled with good conversations. I did not know then that this was going to be the last time I would ever see her.

I went home and continued training for the Chicago Marathon. Aunt Linda and Uncle Robert were the first to support me on my fundraiser for the marathon. That meant so much to me. I was struggling and to get their message of support was just what I needed to give my training a push.

A few weeks ago, I got a card in the mail. It is the last words I will have from Aunt Linda.
“Congratulations on your graduation and new job! We love the person you are becoming, the Kimberly we’ve always loved but with confidence!”

As I stood in my kitchen crying after hearing the news, Lavender told me whatever I wanted to do about going to the funeral we would make happen. I cried out I just want to make her one more dinner and tell her that I think she is amazing.

She was an amazing person.

Stole of Gratitude



Picture is done my great friend and the person who has been capturing my families memories for 18 Years, Dianne.
Check out her website for more information on her work- http://photographybydianne.net/

 I had never heard of a Stole of Gratitude before I picked up my cap and gown.

“The Stole of Gratitude is worn during the commencement ceremony. After the ceremony, the new graduate presents the stole to someone who provided extraordinary help or support, like parents, relatives, or mentors who have helped with wisdom, words of support, or with financial assistance. Immediately after graduation, the graduate may take the stole from around his/her neck and place it around the neck of the recipient.”

I am grateful for so many people.

I am grateful for the boss I had at Starbuck’s when I first started going back to school. Jen was understanding and great about my schedule. She made sure I had off for my school schedule, and that I also had time with my daughter.

I am grateful for my friends who encouraged me and believed in me. They gave me space to vent. They understood when I go months without talking to them because school was just to consuming.

I am grateful for my wife. She edited my papers; made sure I had space to study, and helped me out with anything technical. She took on the financial burden so that I could focus my energy on school. She loved me when I was a crazy, obsessed, and became to detail orientated about a school project. She helped me find 17 copies of Captain Underpants, create a crazy map, and write a paper that I just couldn’t seem to write on my own. Knowing that driving makes me nervous, she drove me to all of my Praxis test.

Last Thursday, the day of my graduation, I went to school early. I sat in my classroom before any of children came in and reflected on how I got here. How I achieved this dream of being a teacher. This is what I wrote on the inside of my stole.

Dear Susan,
I remember my first day of college and the note of encouragement you wrote to me. My first class was a speech. Our first assignment was to write a speech about a person who inspires us. I chose you. I included that note that you wrote to me in my speech.
You have been on this journey from the beginning. I know times it was hard. Every semester I would ask you to put your life on hold when I would say, “after finals.” I am so grateful for you and all your support. Thanks for helping my make my dreams a reality.
Thank you!
I love you.
Love, Mom

An IE What? In English, Please.

I remember as a parent sitting through my first IEP meeting. For those of you that do not know an IEP is Individualized Education Plan and there is a meeting once a year. It is for students that have a disability. My daughter was diagnosed in second grade with a learning disability. That is how I ended up in my first IEP meeting. I was on one side of the table with the ‘experts’ on the other side of the table. I remember how intimidating and scary it all felt. I remember everyone using words and terms that I didn’t understand. I left that meeting feeling awful about myself as a parent. I also felt after I left that everyone in that room was talking about what an awful parent I was and having a good laugh at my lack of education.

I remember the first IEP meeting I set through as a student. The parent brought her youngest son with her and shared her hopes and dreams for her children. She admitted that she could not help them much with their homework because she did not understand it. She told us that her five children all had different dads. She told us that her current ‘baby daddy’ was in jail and that her son’s father the one we were having the IEP meeting for was in prison. She worried about the lack of male role models in her children’s life. She didn’t want them to have the same lifestyle they were seeing. She told us that is why she is here. She wanted to make sure her children got a better education.

She left the room and the other team members turned to me and asked what I thought of Mrs. Z. My heart sank as I felt my nightmare coming true from all of my IEP meetings. I replied that I thought Mrs. Z was a poor struggling mother trying to do the best she could. I said, “I can tell that she cares deeply for her children and that she wants great things for them. She showed up to this meeting today even though she had less than a 24 hour notice, doesn’t drive, and is exhausted from taking care of a toddler. She loves them. That is what I thought of her.” The room chuckled and said I just needed more time.

Educators scream that they want more parent involvement but then talk negatively about the parents. Something needs to change. We are on the same team and we all need to act like it.

I hope I don’t ‘harden' over time. I hope in twenty years I can still see parents who love their child and just want them to have a better life. I hope I still understand what it was like to show up as a single mother with no education and sit on the other side of the table while the ‘experts’ told me about my child. I have 11 IEP’s to have written before the end of the school year. I will be leading the meetings this time. I hope that no mother ever leaves the room and feels like we are talking or laughing about them.

A Piece of Paper

I graduated in December. It was like end of January when they said we could stop by and pick up our diploma. I wasn’t in a hurry. After all it was just a piece of paper. I only needed that piece paper so I could get a job, the paper didn’t mean that much.

Fast forward to March. I find the JOB! I excitedly start the job as a middle school special education teacher. My first few days, I was in a haze. I was trying to figure out how my years (and years) of college translated in the real world. I was feeling overwhelmed. I didn’t know where to start or even how to make a plan to start.

This is when I decided to go pick up that piece of paper. The paper that was meaningless to me. I walk into the office and tell them that I am here to pick up my diploma. The lady behind the counter says, “Congratulations, you must be so proud of yourself!” “Oh and see you have ‘with distinction’ on your diploma that’s impressive,” she adds. Thank you I say in a very monotone voice. Then she hands me the diploma and something comes over me. I hold back tears as I leave the office and head back to my car.

I get inside my car and just start sobbing. I hold in my hands a piece of paper with my name on it. Because I didn’t graduate from high school it is the only diploma I have with my name on it. I had no idea how powerful a piece of paper could feel. All the struggling that it took to get this point came flooding to the surface. It was more than the late nights, the working full time, and being a single mom while trying to go to school. The struggle was overcoming opinions and statistics, facing my fears, and telling myself I was worth it, talented, smart and deserving of an education.

This piece of paper does not help me figure out how to write a lesson plan and make a schedule for 22 students in six different classes, three grades and all different abilities. It does not tell me how to write a real IEP or what to say to parents and teachers. It doesn’t tell me much of anything in the way it relates directly to my job. It does however tell me that I deserve to be here. I will work my butt off to figure out the rest and I already care deeply about my students and want them to succeed. So, lesson plans, schedules, and IEPs will get done even if at times it is overwhelming. And when I start to wonder if I can survive this first year I think I will take a look at that piece of paper, which means a lot to me.

To run or not to run the marathon, that is the question?!

A week ago Monday I went on a ten mile run. During this ten mile run I was reflecting on and comparing this run to my first ten mile run. My first ten mile run was the end of October 2010. I know this because the annual 15K Hot Chocolate Race in Chicago was about a week away. At that time I had only been running for a couple of months but when I first heard about it a Hot Chocolate Race I wanted to run it. However, I talked myself out of signing up for it knowing that I couldn’t run that far. I was mad at myself. Here I was telling myself I couldn’t do something, again. That morning I woke up and just decided to prove to myself that I could do it. So I mapped out my ten miles and took off. It is the first time I remember ever having blisters on the bottoms of my feet but definitely not the last. It felt good to prove to myself that I could do it. It would be another a few months before I did it again but now ten miles is my favorite distance to run when I have the time and the weather is nice.

This run last Monday I was just out enjoying the run. I had nothing to prove. That’s when I started thinking about the marathon. You see almost daily someone ask me if I am going to run the marathon again this year and always tell them I don’t know. I don’t know because we are moving this summer, Lavender’s job is going to be more demanding of her time, Susan graduates, there will be a killer graduation party, Susan will move off to college, and I will hopefully be starting my first teaching job. All of this would take place during peak marathon training. I ran it last year in the middle of student teaching, fundraising, and working but I had something to prove to myself. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. I needed to tell myself that I could run 26.2 miles in under 6 ½ hours and then do it. I don’t need to prove to myself that I can do this. I already know that I can. I want to run the marathon again but just not this year. I am not going to stop running. I ran all winter long. It’s my therapy. It’s what I do for myself. I will be out this year just enjoying the run. However, come 2013 watch out. I plan on finishing the Chicago Marathon in less than 5 hours!

"I plan to run that race so hard I won't want to think about racing for at least 48 hours."-L. Thorvilson

Life Lessons from Lois

Lois is a beautiful lady that I met through the church where Lavender was doing pulpit supply. She is kind, gentle, and strong. This blog post is not about her. It is about a plant that she gave us and we affectionately named Lois.

Lois turned out to be my favorite gift this past holiday season. When we first received her she was just a few inches tall, barley poking out of her bulb. On the ride home, I was thinking, "great another plant for me to kill." I forgot her in the freezing car. So, already she was off to bad start in our house. When we did remember to bring her in the house we sat her on the coffee table where there wasn’t much light but at least some light. Our apartment just doesn’t offer much sunlight. It didn’t matter though because at this time I was still thinking she (she didn’t have a name yet) wouldn’t be around much longer.

She didn’t grow the first two weeks we had her. I am assuming this is because of the lack of light. The amazing apart was that she was still with us. Lavender, being the smart one of the family, said we should move her into the bedroom and place her under the reading lamp because it has a full spectrum light bulb in it. Literally within hours Lois grew a couple of inches and also got a name. Lesson #1- If given the right environment, we all grow.

I was excited to wake up every morning and check on Lois’s progress, turn her light on, and make sure she had enough water. My daughter thought I was going crazy because I began talking to Lois. I didn’t pay much attention to her though because what teenager thinks that their parents are normal? Lois grew so much that she was out growing the reading lamp. New dilemma but no worries because like said Lavender is the smart one and moved Lois to my painting table where she could hang the reading lamp from my dresser. Lesson #2- Sometimes we need to change the ‘right’ environment if we are to keep growing.

I kept talking to Lois, checking on her water needs, and turning her so ‘sunlight’ could reach all of her. Lois made me happy and I liked her sitting on my painting table. I thought I was just taking care of Lois’s physical needs but really she was taking care of my emotional needs by keeping the winter blues away. Lesson #3- When we give, we get.

Now after about a month of having Lois in our house, we got invited over to Lois’s (the person) daughters’ house for dinner. Kim, the daughter of Lois, also had received a plant from her mother. Only her plant was bigger and in full bloom. She was beautiful. I couldn’t believe how bright and lovely this plant was. That night when we went home, I excitedly told Lois that I met her sister and that she was lovely. I impatiently started waiting for Lois to bloom. It felt like it was taking her forever. Every day I would ask her when she was going to open up and be beautiful like her sister. Lesson #4- We all bloom in our own time.

When Lois did finally bloom, she was beautiful. She had eight gorgeous flowers. They were bright and cheery. What I realized though is just how amazing and beautiful it had been to watch her grow. Lesson #5- The journey and the growth is what makes us beautiful.

This and That (Oh and I might be losing my mind!)

Here are the top three things on my mind today.
1. Job searching SUCKS big hairy donkey balls!
2. Hello my name is Kim and I am addicted to soda pop. It’s been about two weeks since my last drink.
3. Vegan Black Bean Brownies is something more people should try.

Let’s start with #1 job searching is a very horrible experience. I have over a 100 resumes out there in the world. I have filled out countless applications for teaching, substitute teaching, and well everything else. It’s lonely. It’s boring. It’s depressing.

#2, I keep hearing that pop is bad for you both diet and regular so I decided to give it up. I am drinking iced ginger green tea unsweetened. I like it a lot but it’s not coke. I freakin want a freakin coke! I thought I could stop anytime I wanted but this habit is freakin hard to break!

#3, I know it sounds weird but these are really good and good for you. The recipe I used is a combo recipe off of different recipes I found on-line. For example, one recipe I read called for all bananas the other for all applesauce. I only had two bananas and some applesauce, so I used both. I used oat flour most recipes call for regular flour. Anyway you get the point. Try them. They are healthy enough you can eat them for lunch or breakfast and sweet enough that you feel like you are getting a treat!

2-cans of sodium reduced black beans rinsed well
2-bananas
1-cup of apple sauce
1-cup of oat flour
2/3 - cup of agave nectar
½ - cup of dark cocoa powder
2-Tbsp. of Cinnamon powder
1- Tbsp. of vanilla

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 12x8 pan. In a food processor mix everything except for flour until smooth. Stir in flour. Bake for 30 minutes. Let the brownies cool completely before cutting! Enjoy they are good for and if you cut them into 12 squares each square has less than 200 calories.

Spicy quinoa with black beans and spinach topped with salmon and mango salsa

It is no secret that I love cooking. I love experimenting with flavors and coming up with unique combinations. I love Ethiopian, Mexican, and Indian foods. These foods use lots of flavors and spices. They give me inspiration for when I make my own creations. The following recipe I made for Lavender and I the other night. It’s full of flavor and healthy. If you are worried about it being too spicy take out some of the red crushed pepper. If you are looking for a vegan dish, leave off the salmon. This is the first time I created this but I will make it again.

Spicy quinoa with black beans and spinach topped with salmon and mango salsa (serves 4)

Make the mango salsa first.
2 fresh mangos peeled and chopped up
Handful of cilantro
4 garlic cloves minced
1 jalapeño pepper
3 Tbsp. of lime juice
Black pepper to taste
Combine all ingredients and store in the refrigerator until time to use.

Next start the quinoa

1 pablano pepper chopped
4-6 garlic cloves minced
1 cup of quinoa
2 cups of water
½ tbsp. of olive oil
1 tbsp. crushed red pepper
Onion powder and black pepper to taste
Sauté pepper and garlic in the olive oil. Add water and let boil and quinoa and the rest of the ingredients. Lower heat, cover, and let sit for about 15 minutes.

Salmon

1 pound of salmon cut into four 4 oz. pieces
2 tbsps. Of freshly grated ginger
6-8 curry leaves
Black pepper
Rub ginger and pepper on salmon. Place salmon in foil packets with 1 ½ -2 curry leaves. Bake at 425 for 14 minutes.

And finally….

Black beans and spinach
1 can of black beans
1 vegetables buillion cube
1 tbsp. of crush red pepper
½ tbsp. of onion powder
3 cups of spinach
Heat up the first 4 ingredients then add the spinach cook just until the spinach is wilted.

Now put it all together!
Put 1/4 the quinoa on plate, 1/4 the black beans and spinach, 1 piece of the salmon on top and finish with the mango salsa.

Enjoy. Your mouth will be happy.