Lesson #3 That I Have Learned from Running- Keep Running

TW (Trigger Warning)

In a 1999 longitudinal study of 3,000 women, researchers found women who had been victimized before were seven times more likely to be raped again. (Acierno, Resnick, Kilpatrick, Saunders and Best, Jnl. of Anxiety Disorders 13, 6.)

The last time I was a victim of sexual assault was about 5 years ago. I still have a hard time calling it the “R” word because I didn’t scream, I didn’t kick, I didn’t hit, and I didn’t get any bruises. I just pleaded for him to stop.

This man had made me a victim for the last 12 years. I felt powerless over him. He was not directly a part of my life anymore and because I don’t want to reveal his identity, I can’t tell you why he was in my life but just trust me when I say it was not by my choice.

This time I decided it had to stop. I couldn’t go on living in fear of when the next time might happen. I went to the hospital. I told them that I thought I might have been raped. I went through the exam embarrassed and ashamed. I hadn’t shaved my legs. I just got done working so I needed a shower. I was wearing granny panties. I wasn’t sure I should even be there.

The police were nice to me. They reassured me that yes I should be there. Yes, this needs to stop. They were nice until they found out I was gay. The detective investigating the case actually said to me that I wasn’t raped but that I just missed having sex with a man and that afterwards I must have felt guilty so I decided to call it rape.

What followed after that is the worst months of my life. I was able to successfully get a two year restraining order on the guy but the detective thought the man who did this to me was right when he said I was a “lesbian that just needed some good dick” filed a false informing charge against me. I was facing court, fines, and jail time. I was in the lowest place of my life.

The charges were dropped but the emotional scares I have are more like open gapping wounds. Police trigger me; they scare me and do not make me feel safe or protected.

A few months ago I found out that the guy who attacked me moved in just a block away. There is nothing a can do the restraining order has long been expired. My first reaction was that I was never going to be able to leave my apartment by myself. Then I thought about running and how much joy it brings to me. I am not about to let this man take away my joy again. So, the next day after I found out I ran the snow covered dark morning. I was scared but I knew I wasn’t going to be trapped in my house.

Running has made me a stronger person physically and mentally. Now that he lives so close to me our paths have crossed a couple of time. I don’t break down into tears or run out of the grocery store when this happens. I don’t speak to him. I just walk away. I also don’t make any stupid moves. I don’t run without my cell phone. I only run where there are people and street lights. I keep running because it is my therapy. It is what gives me strength and peace. I keep running because neither my attacker or the police or my fears are going to take that away from me. It’s been a long road to get to where I am today and I literally have miles left to go before I am finished.

Body Image and Prom

We had prom. I say we because it was an all day event but actually it was our 17 year old daughter who had prom. She was beautiful in her dress. We went to Chicago the night before to get our nails and toes done. Her hair and make-up was done by my friend Jessica. My friend Dianne took pictures in her studio. It was an event.

I was hoping it would be a fun feel good event for her. After all it’s not every day you get the star treatment.

It wasn’t fun. She was in freak out mode for about three days before prom. The worst moment came when she exclaimed, “I feel fat!”

My spouse tweeted, “Events like prom are utterly vile to me as they cast shame upon the natural beauty of people by making a size 2 girl think she's fat.”

Daughter almost in tears, “A size two is fat! I am a size zero!”

All I could think is WTF!

My size zero daughter is having a melt down because she feels fat. How did this happen? Why did this happen? When did this happen?

There is a study out there (http://sticerd.lse.ac.uk/dps/eopp/eopp17.pdf) that says if we use plus size models women would gain weight. (Keep in mind that a size 8 is considered a plus size model.) The study goes on to say that it is actually healthier for us to look skinny models because it keeps us from over eating. Really?

I can’t understand how it is healthy for a size zero to think she is fat. I can’t understand how it is healthy for a size eight to think she is a plus size. I can’t understand how it is healthy to call clothes a plus size. I can’t understand why we keep putting up with this from the fashion industry? If you want me to buy your clothes then let me see them on beautiful normal size females.

There are great campaigns out there like the Dove Real Beauty, Just My Size, and Cover Girl. They show women of all sizes. It doesn’t make me want to eat. It just makes me want to buy their products.

My daughter is a healthy size, she eats, she dances, and she is beautiful. She should never have to feel fat. She should never have to look at unhealthy images and think that, that is what beauty is. These images of super skinny models don’t keep us healthy instead they cast shame.

As a mother I try to give my daughter good self-esteem. I try to let her know that she is beautiful inside and out. It would be nice if I had a little help from the fashion industry.

Update on Training

I blog about a lot of stuff that seems to have nothing to do with running or the Chicago Marathon but everything is intertwined and connected.

However, I thought I would update you on my progress. The actual marathon training starts in a month and the marathon is now just five months away!

I am averaging six miles four times a week. It takes me about 1 hour and ten minutes. I ran my first and only nine minute mile not very long ago!

I am getting nervous and excited to start the training program. Even though I am nervous, I feel ready and confident.

I have to tell you that for me, I think that first mile I ever ran will always be the hardest and the one I am the proudest of, no matter how many more miles I log.


I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~Pablo Picasso

My Gay Lifestyle

I will never understand how my loving family poses any threats to family values and why so many laws need to be written against it. I don’t understand why so much energy, money, and debates are wasted to decide what to do about my family. I don’t understand why my family’s rights become more important issues in the government and on the news than issues like poverty and child abuse. I don’t understand why some religions view my loving family as sin. I don’t understand why my family matters less than some families.

I want you to understand that my family is real. We fight. We love. We stand next to each other.

I am sharing a letter written by our daughter. She has been picked on and lost friends because she has two moms. Yet, she continues to stand up and believe in her family.

Dear Moms,
First let me began by wishing you both a Happy Mother’s Day. If there is anyone who truly deserves to be honored on this day it is the two of you. You both are the best moms a girl could ask for and sometimes I may not always show my gratitude for you. You both do so much for me. You love me, care for me, and push me to be the best.
Mommy, I love you. I’m so glad that you are my mom. You have taught me so much over the course of my life thus far, and I know you will continue to teach me as the years go on. The most important things I have learned from you are to never give up and to follow my dreams. You are always my biggest fan, my loudest cheerleader, and my toughest coach. I cannot thank you enough for that. I hope you have a splendid Mother’s Day.
Momma Lav, I love you. I’m so happy that my mommy found you. You really complete our family. You are a wonderful mother and just an overall wonderful person. You push me to do better and you force me to think. Thank you for everything you do for me. It never goes unnoticed or unappreciated. I hope you have a wondrous Mother’s Day.
To bring this letter to a close I would like to say this, Moms you are the strongest, most amazing women I know. I’m glad that I had both of you to raise me. You both make me so happy and feel so loved. I hope you both have an amazing Day! I love you both so much.
Love,
SAM