Small Circle

For me running has been a form of therapy. I start running and let go of my mind. I see myself more clearly. I have had some really good runs that have ended in some really great crys. My walls come down and I allow myself to feel. I allow myself to be open and free my emotions.
Recently I had one of those really good runs that ended in a really great cry. It was on this run that I realized just how depressed I had been during a certain period of my life. This was a time in my life just after my second divorce. I was raising my child, losing my house, working 40+ hours, being sued, trying to go school, starting yet another abusive relationship, broke, sexually violated, and losing a business. Yet, I smiled during this period so much that my cheeks hurt. I acted happy. Sometimes I even thought I was happy. I had no energy left for very many real conversations. I was a fake to myself and to my friends. I lost a lot of friends. Because when you don't have the energy to maintain a friendship that's what happens.
All of this sounds depressing but at the end of the run my tears were about joy. The joy of knowing I survived. The joy of the small circle of friends that stuck it out with me. The joy of knowing that these days I smile less but laugh a whole lot more!

This is part of the small circle of friends that surrounded me and my wife on our wedding day.

Lesson #2 that I have learned from running

Not only do I not have to be perfect but I don't even have to be good at it.
It has taken me thirty-five years of life to realize that there are things I can do just because I enjoy it. I have a huge list of I never... because I am just not good at it.
One of those things was running. I will probably never be a 'good' runner. By most standards I am pretty bad. I get overjoyed when I run a 10 minute mile. My goal for the marathon is to 1. finish 2. try and finish in under 6 1/2 hours. But just because I will probably never qualify for Boston or even just win a local race in my age division doesn't mean I shouldn't or can't run.
Since running my list of 'I never' is slowly being crossed off. I enjoy dancing, painting, and Zumba lessons. I want to learn how to play different sports, take a pottery class, and learn Yoga. I know longer care if I am good at these things. The important question that I want to find out is do I enjoy them? Do they bring meaning to my life?
I look back and think about all of the things I have missed out of doing because I was afraid I wouldn't be good at it. This usually makes me sad but today when I was out running, I suddenly felt grateful that for the rest of my life I will try new things and decide if I should or shouldn't do something based on the joy and meaning it brings to my life.

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.”
~ Henry van Dyke

Food!

It is no secret that I love cooking. I love feeding people. I love food. I love creating things in the kitchen. I like flavor and pretty presentations. When I first started my healthy new me one of the hardest things was cooking. I thought I was going to give up my love. I didn’t know how to cook without butter and oil. One of my favorite dinners included an entire pound of butter.

These days I hardly ever use butter. I am still cooking with the same bottle of olive oil I bought last year. My big surprise is I still love cooking. I find it a whole new challenge and joy. All of my recipes are new and exciting. When I cook dinner now, I worry about taste, nutrient, fat, and calories. I want the people that I am cooking for to leave the table feeling good about the tasty meal they just enjoyed.

I don’t eat a lot of meat or dairy anymore. So, I cook a lot with my new favorite food- Black Beans. We have black bean tacos, black beans and (brown) rice, black beans and eggs, and one of my new favorite recipes poblano peppers stuffed with black beans.

Poblano Peppers Stuffed with Black Beans
1 can of Bushes Fiesta Black Beans
1 can of Black Beans (please look for the low sodium ones)
1-2 table spoons of garlic chopped (I love garlic)
1-jalapeno pepper chopped
6-poblano peppers with their seeds removed
Fresh cilantro
Preheat oven to 425 F. Spray the bottom of a pan. Combine first 4 ingredients in a large bowl. Stuff the mixture into the six peppers. Cook for about 20-25 minutes. They are done when the peppers are tender. Sprinkle with cilantro and serve.
These are good by themselves but can become a nice dinner by topping with shrimp and served on top of rice.

When do you really see your beautiful self?

Last January I had a goal to lose 60 pounds. I thought it would make me feel better about myself. I thought maybe I could love my body and then be able to love myself. I thought I would feel beautiful. Losing 60 pounds was not going to make me skinny I weighed 260 but I thought it would make a big difference in my attitude towards my body. I will never forget standing on the scale and seeing it read 200 pounds I should have been happy but as looked at myself in the mirror I saw my stomach and my round full cheeks, I thought what is the point? I felt disappointed not beautiful.

One morning after a run I looked in the mirror. I saw myself, my beautiful self. There I saw my strong legs that not only ran me around these days but also carried my weight, emotional as well as physical, for all of these years. I knew that my body was beautiful both at 200 pounds and 260.

I still get on the scale. I now weigh 175. I still look in the mirror after seeing those numbers and think what is the point? My stomach is still flabby. My face is still fat. I just want to go back to eating what I want, when I want.

Then I go on a run. Now, every time I get back from running I make it a point to stand in front of the mirror and check myself out. I marvel at my legs, my back, and my amazing body. I feel strong and beautiful. I feel healthy. In that moment the scale doesn't matter. Eating healthy doesn't feel like a challenge but away of saying thank you to my body.

I want to move past my weight. I don't want to care what the numbers on the scale say. I want to move past that part. I will keep working on it. It is a journey.

I know not everyone likes to run but we all have something that makes us feel strong and beautiful. I hope for all of us we can make that our focus and not the number on the scale.

Lesson #1 that running has taught me-Having someone believe in you makes all the difference

My marathon journey started one day last August. I was running my second one mile run of my adult life. (I think it took 17 minutes.) I started thinking about how amazing it would be if I could run the Chicago Marathon. It would be like I could do the impossible. The closer I got to the end of the mile the better it started sounding.
When I walked into the house after that run I blurted to my wife, “I am going to run the Chicago Marathon!” When I said it I wished I could take it back. What a silly thing to think and say. The month before, I struggled to run a 1/8 of mile. I could only run one mile and that was a struggle. Plus I weighed 210 pounds. My wife silenced all that doubt that I had in me when she said, “We should get you new running shoes.”
I am grateful beyond any words for her support and belief in me.