Introducing the Amazing Susan!

This past weekend my spouse and I accompanied our high school senior on college tour. All I could think about is when she was two and would want to play stage with me. It was my job to say in a loud booming voice, “Introducing the amazing, the talented and the wonderful Susan!” She would then come out on to the ‘stage’ dressed in that way that two year olds think is fashion and entertain me for a few minutes with a dance or a song. I would clap and then she would be ready to do it again in a new outfit and new act.

It’s hard to believe she is now planning for college. She is an amazing and talented person. She was diagnosed with a learning disability in the third grade. She struggled with school and the label. However, she never let that label define or limit her.

In seventh grade she called an emergency IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting when she found out they would not let her take band. Talk about guts. She was ready to take on the whole school. She spoke in a very grown-up way at the meeting and explained that she knew what was best for her. They let her take band and she did great continuing on into high school when she lost interest.

Knowing how hard school was for her in high school I actually encouraged her to take easier classes but she had other plans. Against the advice of her school counselor and teacher of record she decided not to take any more LD classes. The amazing part was not that she decided not to take LD classes but that she decided she would be earning an honors diploma and taking AP classes.

All of the professionals that tested her, retested her, and reviewed her scores and advised her to do the opposite of what she did; she proved wrong.
Walking around the campus of that college and thinking about her being two I just wanted to scream out, “Introducing to the world the amazing the talented, the talented, and the wonderful SUSAN!”

Look out world.

Weighing In

It will be two years in January since I made the choice to lose weight. The actual weight loss journey started the year before that. It started when I decided to be honest with myself.

I avoided scales. I told myself that I was more than a number. I didn’t need a number to define who was or what kind of day I was going to have. (I still believe this.) The honest truth to that statement at the time was that I was not ready to be truthful with myself. I wasn’t ready to admit that my weight was a sign of other things gone wrong in my life. I was not ready to admit that my weight made it difficult to enjoy certain activities. I didn’t want to see the number on the scale because I didn’t want to know the other truths.

Lavender moves in. She is the most honest person I know. (If you don’t believe go ahead and take a picture of yourself next time you want an honest opinion on how you look in that outfit.) With her honesty and her stuff came a bathroom scale. I was honestly surprised when I weighed in at 260. I sat with that information for a year. Then I decided to do something even more honest and I agreed to let Lavender take my measurements. Honestly, it felt good to be honest with myself. However, it was hard.

Over the next few months I got to know my body. I knew that I was going to ‘gain’ five pounds before I started my period. That for some reason the right combination of salt, lime juice, and tequila the night before would show up as seven pounds on the scale but that it was no reason for alarm.

I watched the pounds leave my body. I met my goal weight and then some. It was when I was training for the marathon that I knew I needed to use the scale for a new kind of honesty. I needed to make sure I was feeding my body. Eating enough food to maintain my weight with all of the running I was doing was sometimes scary. I used the scale to keep myself in check.

I think scales are a tricky thing. I think weight is a tricky thing. It is personal. I say if stepping on scale does more harm than good for you, you should stay away. This doesn’t actually go here but I also want to warn people at the harm they do when they call a certain weight fat. I don’t care what the number is for a healthy weight. Where do you feel healthy? That should be the question.

I am not a number on the scale. When I wake up and see a +7 on the scale instead of panic, I try and remember a fun night of margaritas.

One day I hope to be honest enough with myself that I don’t need a scale. Until then I hope I can use it honestly as a tool and not against myself.

Running is Not a Solo Sport

Running is not a solo sport. I discovered this long before the day of the marathon.

There were mornings when Lavender would gently nudge me out of bed telling me that I would feel better if I got up and ran. When I was having a really hard time getting out the door she would offer to run with me or ride her bike beside me.

Friends gave me encouragement by asking me about my training and making positive comments. Relatives and friends came together to donate to Children’s Memorial Hospital the team that I was running for. Every donation that I got gave me extra motivation and energy. In the end, I raised almost $1100 for Children’s Memorial Hospital with everyone’s help.

Fellow runners that I met on the path were other sources of energy. We would say encouraging things to each other as we crossed paths or if we were taking a break and walking we would often share our running stories with one another.
I don’t think I could have trained without all this awesomeness around me.

I know I couldn’t have finished the marathon without ‘my team.’

Lavender and Erin met up with on mile 2. I was feeling strong. I stopped to kiss Lavender and I am pretty sure I had a big goofy grin from excitement. I took off running and they took off on their bicycles to catch up with me later. I saw them again at mile 6. I had even more speed behind me and I was feeling good. I waved at them and ran on. The next time I saw them it was mile 12. I was still feeling fine but slowing down a little.

When I reached the half-way point of 13.1 miles, the sun came out and started beating down on me. My stomach was killing me. The fact that I hadn’t eaten enough was also becoming apparent. Exhaustion was also setting in; I had been awake since 2AM. (It’s hard to sleep the night before a marathon.)

Lavender and Erin were waiting for me at mile 14. This time I stopped and hugged Lavender. She was literally holding me up. I was having huge doubts about finishing. I struggled to make it to mile 16 where Lavender and Erin were once again waiting to encourage me.

Then at mile 17 I was surprised to see my friends Bill and Dianne. They walked with me as I complained about my stomach issues (probably in too many details). They left me at the bathrooms and waited for me where Erin and Lavender was also waiting.

When I met up with them, Lavender walked with me until the 18 mile. Walking with her was just like any other long run where she would ride her bike out to meet me, offering me fresh water and encouragement. After that, I was back in the marathon and ready to finish.

Erin ran with me at mile 20. It was the encouragement that I needed to keep running. Lavender was waiting at mile 21 and they rode off together.

Mile 24 I met up with them again. This time when I saw them I was crying because I knew that I did. I knew that I would finish. I knew that the little girl in gym class that always got picked last for everything was about to finish a marathon.

I was more aware of my surroundings and present in the moment during those last 2.2 miles than at any other time during the race. I talked to spectators and runners. It was the most painful, rewarding, and beautiful 2 miles that I have ever ran.

I saw Dianne and Bill again at mile 26. I know I was smiling goofy because despite the pain I was feeling good. I saw my daughter, Alison, and their friend Ian at mile 26.1 holding up signs.

I cried as I ran over the finish line and they placed the metal on my neck. At that time all I wanted was my team. The people who made sure I crossed the finish line. Running is not a solo sport. I couldn’t have done it without them. I am forever grateful.

I Love Being Physical with My Wife!

This past weekend I ran in the Chicago Blackhawks Mad Dash to Madison 5k with my spouse. Now, I have been training for this marathon for what feels like forever. It was back in June that my ‘short’ runs became 7 miles long and my longs runs actually turned into long runs. This is also when I stopped running with my spouse. I mean let’s face it not to many people are willing to go for a seven mile fun run. So, this break away from marathon training was way more than a break. It was a chance to reconnect and remember why I started running in the first place.

When I first met Lavender I told her that I never and would never run. I really meant it to. I also informed her that I stayed inside during cold, snowy, extremely hot, or extremely cold weather. My list of things that I didn’t or wouldn’t do was amazingly long.

She on the other hand would announce that she was going for a run on a cold snowy afternoon or for a walk in the rain. This fascinated me but didn’t really interest me.

However, when I would decide that the day was nice enough I would go with her. It was great. We would talk and laugh. It was time to be with just each other.

It was the fall of 2009, when she convinced me to go for walk in the rain with her. I never knew that raindrops could be that amazing.

A month or so later she was heading out the door in the freezing cold telling me I should go with her. She had on her light jacket, a pair of gloves, and a hat. I put on 2 pairs of gloves, two shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of socks, a heavy winter coat, a hat, and a scarf. We walked through mounds of snow to the library. It was fun. It was great being outside breathing in the air. It was great being the only two people sharing the side walk.

It was that spring that she would say things like let’s just jog for a little while or would speed off knowing that I would chase after her. Laughing and cursing at the same time.

That summer we played at the beach, hiked the trails, and went bike riding. It was by the end of that summer that I was running! I had also enjoyed and played outside for all four seasons.

That year we spent hours outside being playful, engaging in serious conversations, and just quietly being there for each other as we wrestled through our demons.

These moments were playful, loving, caring, always sweet, and forever with me.I often wonder how it’s going to feel when I am no longer training for a marathon.

Doing this 5k has given me something to look forward to post marathon; a cold snowy winter, to run, walk, and bike with my wife. There is just something amazing about being physical with her. ;-) It has transformed me. I no longer say I will not, never, or I can’t.

Status Update: Fucking Exhausted

I haven’t blogged in a while because I don’t know where to start or even if I have anything to say.

Student teaching is harder than I ever expected. I chose a poor urban school. I wanted the experience and an experience is what I am getting. The school is understaffed and the classrooms are overflowing. Every day I wake up and see the racial injustice we have in this country and how it affects my students and their communities. It is heartbreaking.

If you think that segregation is a thing of the past or that we have equal education in this country, let me introduce you to some wonderful eager willing to learn students and their teachers who are just doing the best they can. It is a disgrace that we as country can’t figure out a way to do better.

I also started working since my last blog. It is a mixed blessing. We could use the money but I am fucking exhausted. It also interferes with my running schedule but I am doing the best I can and I did complete my second 20 mile run. I am limited to running on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Unless, I can figure out a way to not need sleep!

Another bummer is not being able to spend much time with my family. My schedule is very demanding but I am fortunate to have a strong family. It also helps that my daughter is 18 and fully capable of taking care of herself.

On the plus side my new job allows me the freedom to be able to spend 3 out of 5 hours working on lesson plans and school related things. This is truly a wonderful thing.

I feel like right now I am just trying to get through another day. I am putting one foot in front of the other and hoping I am going the right way.

I hope I make it through student teaching without a mental break down.

I hope I make it through the Marathon with only three days of training instead of four.

I hope my daughter does everything on her own to make it through all of her senior year stuff and forgives me later on in life for not being there for much of it.

I hope after all is said and done I get a job at the end of this.

I hope I can help or least be the teacher to the student who helps change the inequalities of our school systems.

I hope one day I can have an entire day to do nothing but be with my spouse!

I am on the list!

Life has been busy. I finished up work on Friday and jumped in the car with my family. We spent the night in Louisville Kentucky, visiting friends. We woke up early and headed to Knoxville Tennessee, where we spent the evening celebrating with friends and family the upcoming union of my brother-in-law and his soon to be wife! The next day my spouse married them in a beautiful mountain ceremony. I was the photographer. We spent time with family on Monday and headed back to Indiana on Tuesday. Wednesday morning I started my student teaching. Besides all this great stuff I also prepared to start a new job, took family pictures for a friend, and held a kick-ass fundraiser that benefited The Children’s Memorial Hospital!

This week would have been easy for me to fall back into the trap that there just isn’t enough time for myself. That feeling that if I take a couple hours out of the day just for me, it would be really selfish. However, Monday morning I woke up and ran 7 miles in beautiful Tennessee. It was great to be just with myself. Wednesday morning I woke up extra early and was greeted by a beautiful sunrise in the middle of my 6 mile run. It was good to take that time to calm myself before entering a classroom of children. I also ran 7 miles Thursday night. I watched the sunset. It was beautiful and quiet. Saturday I ran 20 miles! It is big accomplishment but I couldn’t help thinking while I was running is the big accomplishment this week wasn’t the 40 miles I ran but the hours I claimed for myself.

I put myself on the list and the world didn’t fall apart. In fact everything that I NEEDED to get done was done. I asked for help with the things that I didn’t actually need to do and I let go of something’s. I know it’s hard but I just want to encourage everyone to take a look at their list and move you to the top. You deserve. You need it. I promise it will get easier to do. It is an art you have to practice. I also promise you will be better for it.

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” - Henry Ford

Giving Thanks to a Bathroom!

On my long runs, I leave my house in Portage and run until the trail ends in Chesterton. As anyone that runs will tell you, eventually all of that moving will lead to you having to go to the bathroom in some really bad ways. It happens. It almost always happens to me when the only bathroom that is going to be around for miles is a very scary outhouse along the trail. This thing looks disgusting on the outside. It doesn’t lock and you better bring your own toilet paper or have a spouse that is willing to hop on her bike and bring you some. I am pretty sure that you don’t want me to go into the details of the stains on the wall and floor or the smells. Just know this- for as scary as it looks it smells even worse. Imagine to my delight this morning as I am realizing that I am going to HAVE to use the scary bathroom when in the distance I see that it’s gone and a brand new port-a-potty is in its place. I have never been more grateful for a port-a-potty. When I started my run again my thoughts drifted to all of the things that I have found myself being grateful and thanking the universe for, things that I am not sure I would have ever paused to say thanks for before I started running. Here is a list of a few of my favorites.

1. Semi-clean bathrooms
2. 20 degree weather, when on previous days it had been in the teens
3. 87 degree weather, when on previous days it had been in the high nineties
4. Soft snow or light rain
5. Smiles and encouragement from complete strangers
6. Watching the seasons change
7. Seeing my spouse mid-way through my run holding out fresh water for me
8. A cat that demands I take a break to pet it
9. Watching the sun set or rise

I have always taken the time in my life to be grateful and say thanks but running has given me so many more opportunities to be grateful.