I am fat, again. It is so difficult to be back here. I
promised myself when I started this blog that I would get below 200 pounds and
never return to the 200s again. I promised myself that I would treat my body
with the respect it deserved by exercising and eating healthy. I promised
myself that I would work on my emotional crap by painting, running, and being
more open with those around me.
I lied but I also felt that I was told a lie. I did
everything I was supposed to do and it felt amazing. Then I was betrayed by own
body, at least that’s how it felt.
It started over three years ago. I had a crazy pain caused
by a rather large gallbladder stone. After surgery this happened, http://speakingaboutthat.blogspot.com/2013/04/tw-trigger-warning.html
. I ate and ate some more but I also tried to cope with the memories in all the
new positive ways I taught myself. I started getting depressed and crying all
the time. I started screwing things up and forgetting to do really important things.
I ran my second marathon. (I was still trying.)
I ate.
Running became a challenge because I couldn’t feel my left
side of my body. I started getting migraines and I was exhausted all the time.
My b12 and vitamin D levels were “dangerously low.” I was
given vitamin supplements and b12 shots. I felt better but still exhausted.
I ran a half marathon (still trying). Had another surgery to
repair the giant hole the first surgery left in my stomach muscles.
I ate.
I was tired.
I went work, ate, and slept. I had no energy.
Summer break, I slept, a lot.
My father died. I was grateful, numb, confused, and angry. I
called my step mom to give her my condolences. She asked me how much I weighed.
I had not talked to her in years and this was the question she asked.
I ate.
I slept.
I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t do more. Why I couldn’t
just get up and start running? Why I was hungry all the time? Why I was always
exhausted and in pain? Why wasn’t I coping with my life anymore?
I went to a new doctor. He ran some new blood test. My iron
was low, as was my B12 and D despite being on heavy doses of supplements. He
also discovered that I wasn’t absorbing protein. He suggested that I stop
eating gluten.
Two weeks after that I started feeling better.
It’s been two months since giving up gluten. I am not as
hungry all the time. I am only sleeping 8 hours. I have a little bit more pep
in my step. I am still not running but I have hope. I have so much hope that I
signed up for a race April 2.
I am still fat but I am starting not to hate my body or
myself for the extra fluff. My body and I went through and SURVIVED a lot these
past few years. The fluff is my armor. It is my emotional crap and my bodies
cry for nutrition. I hope I can start down a healthier road. I also hope when I
look in the mirror it’s not with disgust with how I let myself go but instead
with awe of how I survived.
