What I Wanted Vs What I Needed

I wanted a cat that would cuddle me all night long, even if it meant sleeping in uncomfortable positions. I wanted a cat that would convince me lying in bed for five more minutes was a good idea. (This is after of course I woke up at 5 a.m. to feed him.) I wanted a cat that would lay next to me while I lazily watched movies. I wanted a cat that would purr while I explained my hard day. I wanted a cat that always liked being petted.

Enter Flanker an incredibly handsome black cat. He could care less about petting. Waking up at 5 a.m. is necessary but going back to bed is just plain silly. It’s time to play. If his humans try going back to bed he brings them his toys and if that doesn’t work he zooms around the bed. There isn’t enough time for petting when you are trying to catch the red dot, attack an inanimate object that mocked you, steal things off the desk that really should be yours, run around the house, climb on everything, and kill the very dangerous fly. He doesn’t have time to listen to problems or cuddle on the couch. Moments matter and every moment needs to be spent playing, eating, or dreaming about playing. Sleeping with humans is a bad idea, after all he might miss something in the outside world if he didn’t sleep in his chair by the window.

The cat that I got gets me out bed, helps me view the world in wonder and play, and makes me laugh multiple times a day.

Moments Matter

I have a huge extended family on my mother’s side but I didn’t get to see them much. The moments that I have had with each of them touched me in ways that took the good parts of me and made them better, more loving, and more understanding.

I wrote a letter to my uncle several years ago because I wanted to try to express the importance of one moment he shared with me long ago. Saturday he passed away. I am grateful that I had the chance to tell him just how important this one moment we shared was in my life.

I try to remember that moments matter. You never know what small gesture you can do for someone that will give them the strength to continue.

Dear Uncle Stephen,

I have been writing this letter in my head for over a year now. Each time I start, the words just don’t seem to be there to explain how very important you have been to me. Then I found out that you are not in good health. This information makes me struggle even more with what and how I want to say this to you because I want to make sure that you know this is from  I want to make sure that you know this is from my heart and always has been and not something that has come to be because of your health. 

Some time ago, maybe 17 years ago? I was sitting on the couch at Grandma and Grandpa’s. You came and sat next to me. You put your arms around me and just held me. It and just held me. It was the first time I can remember being embraced by someone who wanted nothing from me. You were just you that night but I didn’t know that I could be worthy of such love in a physical and emotional way. I believe that we experience God through the connections we make and that day I saw God in you. 

I had bad things happen to before that moment and bad things happen after that moment but somehow that moment gave me a promise of what life could be like. It was times in my life when I was in my lowest that I pulled up the memory of that one night and used it to get me through. It gave me hope and showed me that I could be loved.

The connections and impact we make in life live long after us. That moment in time will continue to live on in the daughter that I raised, the friends that I have helped, and the inner city school children that I will soon be teaching because I know how important it is to just sit next to someone and  love them. I know what a difference that can make. One of my most important life lessons I learned from you. Thank you for the difference you made in my life.

Love Always,

Kim

Integrity or Scores: I Choose Integrity

My students are not standard. They don't learn at the same rate. Some of them are brilliant but not book smart. Some have a high IQ but I worry that they will never find a job.

At this time of every year anxiety is up. Teachers stress, parents stress, and students stress as we prepare to take the standardized state tests. It's how I will be evaluated as a teacher, how my school is evaluated, and it can determine the classes my students will or will not be allowed to take.

I hate this test. I hate how much focus goes into this test. This test does not examine the important part of my job. I sew buttons, put on band aids, provide food, give out pencils, and buy the occasional uniforms. I have listened to two different students describe how their mother was shot in front of them. I held a student that was crying while describing how he felt while he was being raped in jail. I have students that do odd jobs for money to keep their electricity on and ones that raise younger siblings because mom works several jobs. I have students that have been abused and neglected by their families and the system. I have students that read at a third grade level but better than anyone else in the house so it's their job to try and navigate the bills and our messed up welfare system. After I give them the attention, the love, safety and respect they deserve and have earned, I teach math and reading.

Fuck standardized testing. It will never tell the true stories of the AMAZING individuals I have the privilege of knowing. It will not show their life skills, their true academic growth, or their perseverance. I will never understand how the government thinks one test can grade the work my students and I do everyday.

Below is an essay one of my students wrote. If I am to be graded on just one thing, let it be this.

The school that I was at before was not trying to teach me anything because I was in a special education class because I have learning disability. The teacher treated me like I was dumb and could not learn. I didn’t do reading and in math I was doing work way below my grade level.

I came to school my 7^th grade. My reading level was at first grade and my math was at fourth grade level. I had some anger and behavior problems. I couldn’t read and so I made sure that teachers did not bother me by acting up. So that made me a little sad.

Watching my teachers reach out even though I acted up is the best model of integrity I’ve seen. They told me exactly where I was at and where I needed to be at the end of the year. My teachers treated me with respect showing me how to act with respect.

Applying myself has shown me the gift of perseverance. I tried to read but it was hard. I didn’t give up. Now I’m willing to read out loud in class. I have the wisdom to think clearly about my gift and behaviors. So now I’m above grade in math and improving my reading every day. Deeper understanding gives me self-control. I improved my behaviors a lot.  

I have compassion because I know how it feels to want to do something but don’t know how to do it. I’m writing this to encourage others. I want them to have confidence in themselves.

Letting my guard down took a lot of courage for me. I can be more for myself and my family and that is why I’m grateful to my teachers.       

Loving

A month ago, I attended a wedding that Lavender was officiating. Imagine two doctors getting married in a Chicago Downtown art museum and all the pretty and beautiful things that means.

I didn’t know the brides. I did not know anyone there. I was just the minister’s wife. My job was to smile, eat, and drink. I would not be emotional at this wedding ceremony. I had no reason.

It was a beautiful ceremony. Lavender did a great job. The brides were both gorgeous. They said heartfelt words to each other. Friends, family, and their teenage son surrounded them. I didn’t cry.

I mean I almost didn’t cry. At the end of the ceremony, Lavender said, “by the power invested in me by the state of Illinois, I pronounce you wed for life.” I cried.

Lavender and I had been talking about making our marriage legal for legal reasons. When we had a ceremony 5 years ago, it was not legal in Illinois where we married or in Indiana where we were living. It was upsetting that we were not going to be granted the same legal protection and rights as others but we made the best of it with legal documentation like powers of attorney and me changing my last name through the courts. I didn’t imagine at that time that we would be living in a world where we would have a chance to see our marriage ‘legal.’ (It’s kinda funny to think about your marriage being illegal.)

Anyway, when we were talking about making it legal, I thought about it as it just being paperwork. No biggie. We had the ceremony, it was the wedding of our dreams. We both agreed that we would do something. Maybe get a bite to eat after filling out the paperwork. Just to mark the occasion.

Then I was at this wedding hearing those words that could not be said at our wedding. I cried knowing all the sacrifices other couples made to make this happen. The couples that couldn’t be with each other ‘during sickness’ because they weren’t legally married. The families split up because a spouse died and children were not allowed to live with only other parent they knew. I thought about last year when Lavender had a medical scare and I realized that I would not be able to use the Family Medical Leave Act to help her in any worse case scenarios.

I thought about Mildred Loving who was arrested for marrying a white man and living in Virginia. They won their court case Loving v. Virginia. She and her husband paved the way for discrimination laws against marriage.

“I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry... I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard's and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight, seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That's what Loving, and loving, are all about.” –Mildred Loving

Making it legal will not change my marriage, my love, or what my family means to me. It will give certain rights that straight white couples have always enjoyed.

I can’t wait for out “Making it Legal, Hangover Edition”celebration January 1, 2015! I promise to cry when Erin says those magic words. I also promise to thank all those who fought so hard to make this day happen!

mY CrAzy hEaLtH and Amazing Support Sytem

This year I have had some scary health problems. I am okay. It turns out that most of my problems relate to deficiencies in vitamin D and B12. According to doctors, dangerously low and life threatening levels. I know it sounds crazy that these two vitamins can cause so many problems but look it up, it is crazy. The lack of B12 caused strange sensations, numbness, & tingling in my hands, legs, & feet. I’ve had difficulty walking (staggering, balance problems), difficulty thinking and reasoning (at times severe cognitive difficulties), and memory loss. The two together caused extreme fatigue and aided in my depression. They can even cause cardiac and respiratory failure. You know that old saying about “having a nervous breakdown”? It’s literally the breaking down of my complete nervous system. Two times this year I have been in the ER room because of headaches. Headaches so severe, that they caused me to have vision problems, incoherent speech, and difficulties walking. My neurologist believes these migraines came from the stress my body was going through. Even with ongoing treatment, it will be 6 months or more before most of the symptoms will be gone.

It has been a rough 8 months. I am lucky to be able to surround myself with amazing people. Even though I have not been very forth coming with friends (because it’s really hard to explain to people what’s going on when you have no clue) but even so I have felt their support. From text messages and phone calls of friends asking if there was anything that they could do to outstanding coworkers getting me through the school year, I’ve experienced incredible support.

                                                           

Lavender has advocated for me through all of this. I am not sure they would have found out what was wrong with me without her persistence. She found a new doctor for me when my old doctor had reached a dead end. She became my voice when I was unable to communicate. She made my mornings easier when I was so tired I wasn’t sure if I could crawl out of bed. She helped me with my work when I was incapable of performing certain task. Most importantly, she held me in the darkest and scariest moments.  

My surprise through all of this is my daughter. Now in case you didn’t know she is amazing. I am so proud her. She has flourished in school. She works, volunteers, cheerleads, and is active in several clubs. She does it while maintaining a high GPA.

In the middle of all of this crazy health stuff, I screwed up and didn’t turn in some paper work in time. It cost her her most important scholarship. I was devastated because so far, she had made it through school with no debt and was on course to graduate debt free.

She was not mad or even upset. Instead, she applied and got job that allowed her to live on campus, free. She applied for several other scholarships to help replace the one I lost. She stepped up in ways that I would not have even known how to ask her to do. She starts her junior year this year and she is still on course to graduate debt free. She has even figured out how she is going to obtain her masters debt free.

Back to my amazing wife for a second, Lavender after much paper work was able to get Susan back the scholarship I thought was lost forever.

I am grateful to be surrounded by supportive, loving, ingenuitive, people.

 Here’s to better health!

Growing

It's been over a month since my last post. I wish I could tell you that everything is fine and back to normal but we all know that life takes work. I did go to the doctor. She diagnosed me with situational depression (big surprise). I also found out that my left thyroid is enlarged and my vitamin D was virtually nonexistent. I am on a low dose of wellbutrin and a heavy dose of vitamin D. Wellbutrin is not a magical happy pill but I am starting to feel normal.

I was running more but this week I am sick. Instead of feeling like my life is over and I will never run again I am looking forward to a race with my daughter and a good friend, this Sunday. It's going to be a very very slow 5 mile run but I am going to enjoy every minute of it. I'll even enjoy any discomfort I might feel the next day. 

I haven't lost any of the weight I put on but I haven't gained any weight in a month. That's an improvement since for the past year I gained weight every week.

You may remember Lois, the plant. I blogged about her here Life Lessons From Lois. She has moved off my painting table and now has a spot in the kitchen window. Two years and four months later, I am still talking to her and learning life's lessons. She has been cut  down twice, so that she can rest because everyone needs rest. She has only produced flowers that one time but her blooms are just one part of her.

On Saturday, I watered Lois for the first time in months,  to wake her from her winter sleep. Sunday morning her green leaves started pushing through her bulb. I am grateful for new growth.

Here I am in My Wonderful Life, Perfectly Miserable

I have written here about my weight loss and how with every pound I lost I had to deal with the reasons I gained them. I talked about the emotional part of losing weight. The struggle of losing the armor that protected me and comforted me. I shared my joys as I shed the image I had of myself- the uneducated teen mom… the hillbilly whose family members sexually abused her just like in all those jokes people tell that aren’t really funny at all… the person destined to be abused in every relationship.

I did it. I am in love with the most amazing person. I lost 110 pounds. I ran a marathon. I graduated from college. My daughter is doing well in college and succeeding in her own path. I got the career I wanted. Life is good. I mean really good.

But I am not. I know exactly when it happened. It was the second to last blog that I posted, if you want to read about it.  But, here is the recap- I had surgery last April. My step-mother sent me an edible arrangement.

Memories washed over me and I ate to feel good. I was mad at myself. I felt like I dealt with these issues and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. After all, my life was good. I gained 20 pounds. Then I struggled with running. It was hard for me to get out the door. It was hard for me to do something that felt good. Next came the stupid shame cycle. I was ashamed of the way I felt. I was ashamed of losing my healthy mind and body. I was ashamed of not being able to do more. I was ashamed of not being able to talk about it. I pretty much stopped blogging because I had nothing left to say. I was failing myself and that made me feel ashamed.

Twenty more pounds came on and life kept coming at me. I was dealing by trying to pretend that I was dealing. Forget running, waking up was my new struggle. Going anywhere was a problem.

I remember going to the “Chosen Family” Thanksgiving. I cried the hour before leaving the house and the hour and half drive there. I remember thinking that I needed to get myself together. I was being ridiculous.

I gained 20 more pounds. Pretty much stopped running and now find it a challenge to get out of bed to go to work. This is the reality I find myself in today. All because of painful childhood memories I don’t know how to deal with. 

I don’t really believe in depression or mental illness but here I am getting ready for my wife to take me to the doctor. Here I am spending more days crying than doing anything else. Here I am in my wonderful life, perfectly miserable.

It’s time to stop pretending that I am okay. It’s time to start running toward my life again. I hope this includes mental growth, beautiful runs, a stronger marriage, more amazing bonds with my daughter, and life’s beautiful celebrations. I hope to blog more, run more, and celebrate what I have been through.

Run On!